My Blog's Future

I'm considering making some big changes to this blog. The first would be cosmetic: I'd get my own domain. The second would be substantive. I'd refine my content and probably split the site into two separate blogs, a serious one and a non-serious one. The serious one would include interesting news updates, political commentary, and useful resources. I'd also probably expand into giving financial advice, since it seems to be in high demand these days. The second blog would be the funny stuff (the links, the quotes, the stories, and the rants).

It would allow me to control the content better, and I could put up other pages on the domain. I could also set up message boards, post files for download, and shamelessly self-promote. Plus I'd get my own e-mail address at my own domain. Awesome. But regardless of location, my wit charm will remain unaltered.

But a blog is useless if no one reads it, and since I only started blogging at the insistence of my eventual readers, I'll leave it to you. Should I try to make things bigger, better, stronger and faster? Or should I keep it as the quaint little diversion with which you're familiar and comfortable? Feel free to weigh in through any convenient medium (comment section, IM, e-mail, etc.).

Merry Christmas to all my readers who celebrate it. As for me, I'm celebrating the fact that I can now go into a store without hearing "Sleigh Ride." I will miss the Entenmann's Holiday Popems though. 'Twas the season for deliciousness.

If anyone would like to give me an annual performance review as a blogger, please leave your suggestions and feedback in the comments. If there's anything you want more or less of, I'll try to accommodate.

My Future - Update 1

John Kanzius, the inventor from Erie, Pennsylvania, has made a deal with researchers at Pennsylvania State University. Dr. Roy Rustrum, head of the Materials Research Laboratory, will begin studying Mr. Kanzius's amazing salt-water burning invention. He was very impressed by the initial results John had achieved working out of his home, and is expecting a scientific "gold mine."

I'm very excited to see the research from, and eventual commercial applications of, this device. Years from now, I hope people won't speak just of the work of Mr. Kanzius and Dr. Rustrum, but refer to the path down which they're starting as a course all of humanity followed. I expect (or at least hope) textbooks will one day refer to "mankind's struggle to turn one of the most plentiful natural resources on Earth--saltwater--into fuel" as "one of the most significant achievements of the twenty-first century" which "transformed the geopolitical landscape." I can see this saving lives, bringing everyone who wants to be connected into a global community, and allowing us to take significant steps towards achieving our potential as a species. I may be overstating things, but if ocean water can become a source of energy, who knows what our limitations are?

And it will have all started with the humble John Kanzius, who--still thinking of the little kids he met going through chemotherapy--plans to spend his spare time, and any profits from this device, working on using the same machine to help cure certain types of cancer.

For a more newsy update on John and his machine, go here.

My BaconSalt

http://www.baconsalt.com/

Chuck just showed me this. It's salt that makes everything taste like bacon. It comes in three flavors (original, hickory, and peppered). And it's kosher.

While it's not available in Pennsylvania stores yet, you can buy it online from anywhere. They also sell BaconSalt related merchandise, and all the proceeds go to Mercy Corps. Nice people, those BaconSalt guys.

It's a Jim Gaffigan dream come true. If anyone tries it, feel free to send me your comments (or post them here).

My Voicemail Messages

Taking a break from the political, for my more apathetic readers, I'd like to go on a small rant about people leaving, as Kevin James says, "long ass boring messages on my machine." I get the worst voicemail messages sometimes.

But today was the worst. I got a really unbelievably long message that included 61 seconds about leftover balloons and if I wanted them. Later I realized the woman leaving the message was asking if my KIDS wanted the leftover balloons from the wedding this past weekend.

Seriously, people, if you don't have much to say--or anything at all to say--say it quickly. Also, if you don't know me, don't leave messages on my machine. And lastly, please don't start the first 10 seconds of a voicemail with the tail end of a conversation you're having with someone else. It confuses me to no end, because I assume--perhaps erroneously--that things you say to my answering machine are for my ears and in some way pertain to me.

I'd like to take this moment to thank Sergeant Trouser (a new pseudonym for this blog) for leaving an interesting message on my voicemail. If only more people could be like him. This was his voicemail message, and the rest of you could learn a lesson in being interesting from him:

"How DARE you not pick up when I call!! You had better be either (a) having sex, (b) talking to George Lucas or (c) doing something incredibly important for your boss. I understand not wanting to get fired. But if it's anything else, I'm going to be SEVERELY disappointed in you."

(Editor's Note: I don't have kids, and I didn't attend a wedding this weekend.)

My 2008 Presidential Possibilities (Part 2)

Part 2 - Why the leading Democratic presidential hopefuls are essentially unelectable, or at least would be if we had anyone good running

Hillary Clinton (polling at 39% down 11% in the last month) - This is the easiest one to figure out. She's a fraud-committing carpet-bagging penisless shrew of a senator, all of which spell doom for a presidential hopeful. (Fraud = Whitewater, Carpetbagger = Arkansas to NY just to get a senate seat, penisless = being a woman hurts more than people will ever admit to a pollster, shrew = she's not likeable at all--meanwhile people like Bush campaign essentially on being likable, and finally senator = she'll have trouble running against a former governor or someone with executive branch experience). And this is even before we get to her issues, and lack thereof. Aside from her healthcare plan, which is just like Edwards', she's waffled, dodged questions, and done so much not to piss people off that she's pissing people off.

Barack Obama (polling at 24% without significant change) - Unfortunately, and I hate to say it, his biggest weakness is his middle name: Hussein (I don't think this makes him unelectable, but it hurts his chances in today's environment against a white Republican governor). Every attack ad will end with something like "Barack Hussein Obama: Wrong on [issue], wrong for America." What his biggest weaknesses SHOULD be are: (a) that he's a young guy in the middle of his first term with no experience and (b) that he opened his mouth. Let me explain (b) a little bit, because it's why I need to take back my endorsement of him. Back when everyone sucked and he was neutral, I was pulling for him because I liked his fashion statement. I like the no-tie look. I'm trying to help him bring it back. We shouldn't care what people wear, or how they look (all this crap about "looking presidential" makes me lose faith in democracy). But then he had to start talking, and he lost my support when he proposed his healthcare plan. He has a REALLY dumb idea. Make affordable coverage universal but not mandatory. This means that it punishes people who do what people should do, and get insurance. It rewards people who don't have insurance, because they can always get it later when they get sick. In fact, it creates an INCENTIVE for insured people to drop their insurance, knowing they can just sign up for it later when they get sick. The idea of insurance is we all go on it, share risk, hope we don't get sick, and have a cheap safety net if we do. This isn't that.

John Edwards (polling at 15% without significant change) - I have to say, right now he's looking the best to me (of everyone polling above 4%). He's too closely tied to lawsuit happy trial lawyers, and should but won't support a federal-level malpractice tort reform law (which would be huge in PA, a battleground state, and serve to distance himself from that bad image...which I actually pointed out to his campaign...they responded by spamming me). He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, and throw in the fact that in the last election he was the Vice Presidential loser...and he's looking like a handsome up-and-coming youngster, who should still be playing JV, pulled off a shallow bench. He still lacks presidential gravitas.

Right now, though, he's got my vote. I'm actually considering of switching party allegiances (I'm currently registered Republican) to vote for him...in addition to sucking the least, his healthcare plan is pretty good. Also, he has a positive message that I think would be therapeutic for the country. Despite his notable shortcomings, and my assessment that in any other year he'd be pretty much unelectable, this time he's got a shot. And I think we should give it to him. He might make something of it, while the others seem intent on squandering their opportunities in exchange for political positioning.

My 2008 Presidential Possibilities (Part 1)

A number of people have asked me why I am not only disappointed with the field of presidential hopefuls, but feel that many of them should be considered by voters to be "unelectable." And I believe that if either party had decided on a strong candidate, many of the other party's candidates would immediately seem unviable. It's the fact that both parties seem to want to nominate a candidate with extremely unpopular traits that makes them able to do it.

Now, ideally a situation like this would be good for the voters. We could get a superstar with one or two things that don't play well in the press and normally would label the person as "too risky." But instead we're getting fundamentally flawed candidates inferior to the fields in any primary I've seen in my lifetime.

Let's go through it candidate by candidate. The numbers I'll be using are from a recent USA Today-Gallup poll, and carry a 5% margin of error.

I'll just do the Republicans for now. I'll handle the Democrats in a later post.

Rudy Giuliani (polling at 25%, down 9% in the past month) - Despite being the front runner, the Republicans should know better than to nominate him. He has plenty of skeletons in his closet, ranging from the serious to the wacky (like the time he floated the idea of forcing homeless people onto old retired cruise ships and sending them south for the winter). And The Onion was right; he'd essentially be running for president of 9/11. His policies are poorly thought out, and like most of the candidates, seems to be a Bush clone on a lot of policy issues.

Mike Huckabee (polling at 16%, up 10% in the past month) - Despite the meteoric rise of this uber-religious zealot from Arkansas with what I personally think is a fantastic record on education, there is the problem of him being the uber-religious zealot from Arkansas. Furthermore, I suspect there should be some serious doubts about his ability to handle foreign policy or relate to people who aren't religious white Christians. And lastly there's the problem of being a Bush clone on a lot of policy issues.

Fred Thompson (polling at 15% without significant change) - As the Capitol Steps said of a potential Thompson-Clinton race, "Law and Order is no match for a Desperate Housewife." He'd be an actor as a president, delivering other peoples' speeches, ideas and plans. He'd be a party puppet, and lack not only the gravitas we should require of a president (and that we have sorely missed the past 7 years) but also the trust of the people. I can't think of a single original idea that's come from him. In addition to being a Bush clone on a lot of policy issues, he's filled in the rest of his platform with smaller cloning operations.

John McCain (polling at 15% without significant change) - If he had stuck to his image of being the common-sense loving self-made man from the school of hard knocks (aka POW camp) who answered to no authority but his own morals and conscience, he'd have a shot. Voters wouldn't care that he's been about the third most conservative voter in the senate for most of his career there; they'd remember the few high profile issues on which he diverged from the party and turned into political capital and trust. And he's also the only candidate who seems to value national security over looking tough (such as his position on torture, which he admits is not a reliable means of extracting information while hurting our efforts to get other countries to extradite terrorists to us so we can ask them questions in the first place). BUT, he had to declare himself to be a "Bush Republican" making him, yup, you guessed it, just another Bush clone on a lot of policy issues.

Mitt Romney (polling at 12% without significant change) - Though I admire his views on religion, and think that the separation of church and state should be in our hearts and minds as well as our laws (after all, if we demand a specific faith from a candidate we're just asking to get lied to a lot), I haven't heard him make sense on any issue yet. Also, where's his base? His only qualifying experience is in a state that's in a region that has very little shot of voting for him. In a normal year, the Republicans wouldn't dream of running a Mormon who didn't have anything really original to say anyway. His unelectable attributes stand out while his party-line attributes make him just another Bush clone on a lot of policy issues.

And what's wrong with being a Bush clone? How about the fact that this past month his approval rating has skyrocketed to all of 37%, and his approvals haven't been higher than his disapprovals in well over a year (maybe longer; I don't have data on hand going back that far).

No other Republican is polling above 4% at the moment.

My Schoolbus Seatbelt Law

So the Philadelphia City Council just passed a law requiring seatbelts on school buses. It sounds like a good idea, but it's really a waste of their time and a huge waste of money. If the Inquirer would ever print anything I had to say, here's the letter I'd write:

The City Council's school bus seatbelt mandate is a political move that does nothing for the safety of our city's schoolchildren.

A ten year study showed that there are, on average, 10.2 school bus passenger deaths per year in the entire country. Furthermore, the design of school buses makes fatalities most likely to occur in accidents which tip buses over--which is more uncommon in urban Philadelphia than on an average bus route. Meanwhile a 2002 study by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration found that even seatbelts which include shoulder straps, when misused (as many young children will do by simply putting the shoulder strap behind them), can increase the risk of injury in a crash (especially to the abdomen and neck).

It's politically popular to get kids to buckle up, but with all the dangers facing our children, when kids are more likely to get killed walking to school than taking the bus, how can this possibly be a priority? How can this be the best use of limited resources to protect kids? I hope when the new administration begins, the council can start focusing on actual problems instead of handing down useless unfunded mandates.

My Elementary School Lunchroom

I'm really hoping local news got this one wrong.

In a rare bout of usefulness, local news actually brought something to my attention that I was interested to hear. In the current debate in Congress regarding a national law limiting the degree to which American public schools can offer unhealthful choices to children, on the table is the idea that only diet sodas will be permitted--not regular sodas. This raised an eyebrow of mine, because the health risks associated with diet soda have long been believed by the scientific and medical communities to outweigh the gains of reduced calorie and sugar intake.

Diet sodas contain aspartame, a chemical about which we know little, but what we do know is almost all bad. Aside from being a calorie free sweetener, there's evidence to suggest it does everything from cause cancer, contribute to memory degradation, stunt development, and--ironically for the dieters--increase appetite. This is on top of a myriad of lesser health effects that we don't want plaguing our children as well (such as headaches and irritability).

I'm going to do a little more research, and if I'm still not satisfied, write my congressman and ask that he bring this issue to the attention of the debaters. I'd ask my reader(s) to mobilize and do the same if they care to.

That said, let me shift gears for a moment and praise the good parts of the bill--mainly the spirit of it.

Mandating good nutrition in our public schools is a great idea. It instills good habits early, and promises to be a national blessing. It will help fight our nation's obesity epidemic (as named by a surgeon general). It will save money on national healthcare expenditures in the long run. It will reduce the rates of everything from diabetes to heart conditions. And if done right, it can educate the next generation, who will in turn do an even better job raising their children.

It's important to note here that the ban would be on school-provided junk food. Parents still have the final say, and can send little Sally to school with a pound of gummy bears for lunch (I ate that for lunch once, by the way, and had a tummy ache later). But the schools couldn't aid and abet minors damaging their bodies through poor nutrition.

There's also a strong legal argument against the naysayers, the ones who say that this would be an infringement upon individual rights. And it comes in two parts:
1) These children are minors
2) When they are in public school, the schools have a fiduciary duty to take care of them

A fiduciary duty is the highest legislated ethical standard you can find in every day life. It essentially means the schools have a responsibility to give their students the same level and quality of care that a parent would. Essentially it's the legal equivalent of "treat these kids as you'd want to be treated were you in their position." Now that doesn't mean schools should be instilling religious values or disciplining children for falling asleep during grandma's 90th birthday party. But it DOES mean that they have a LEGAL obligation to not harm the kids and take every reasonable precaution to prevent harm from befalling the kids under their care. And with all the evidence regarding the effects of junk food, schools not only have every right to make sure that they're not providing the kids soda, chips and candy to gorge on, but some could argue they have the legal obligation as well. And this would be congress recognizing that, and making it nation-wide.

My Review of Bender's Big Score

At long last, Futurama has returned! In a feature-length straight-to-DVD movie (which will be chopped up and modified to make the first four episodes of the comeback season), the best TV shower ever has limboed out of retirement and into our hearts. Go to hell, Grey's Anatomy!

Bender's Big Score was to fans as a breath of fresh air is to a guy trying to set the world record for consecutive seconds spent underwater. Having already seen it thrice, I consider myself a competent, albeit biased, reviewer.

OK, so I tried writing a review and it was so ridiculously long I figured no one would read it. So I'm going to condense it to bullet points:
-Musical numbers were weak
-Subplot with Hermes was a little more involved than necessary
-Plot was complicated enough to deter new or unintelligent viewers (not a problem for yours truly)
-The time travel was very clever, and--as they claim--paradox free. There were a couple of inconsistencies with previous glances through time, though most are easily explained with a simple 5D Space-Time model and the assumption that the time code had the ability to jump through a 5D plane, not just along a 4D line
-The Chanukah Zombie, voiced by Mark Hamill, needs more screen time. Brilliant!
-Many of our favorite characters return
-The commentary, which ranges from very subtle to hit-you-over-the-head is relevant, insightful, and funny
-Most underrated line: "I can wire anything directly into anything! I'm the Professor!"
-Longtime fans will be quite pleased with all the things that get explained
-It's as touching as it is funny
-While not exactly like the original series, due to the different format (movie vs. episode) and fewer writers (1 main writer as opposed to a team of 6), it was enough like the original not to disappoint--and to make fans like me squeal with delight...metaphorically speaking of course.
-Fry's more like me than I thought, or maybe he's more like I want to be than I thought
-I can't wait for the next one

My Congressional Hypothesis

So far 17 Republican congressmen plus 6 Republican senators have announced they won't be running as incumbents. The buzz is that this is not only a bad sign for the how the Republican party's doing, but that it will spell trouble for the Republicans come election time.

Now, of course, the Republicans ARE in a bit of trouble come election time (though they still might hold onto the White House). But I don't think the two are related. In fact, I think these resignations will HELP the Republicans come election time. And I think the Republican leadership KNOWS this, but doesn't want to tell anyone. Why? Because part of why it will work so well is that no one knows it's a political move.

Look at the people leaving. These are the people who embody what sickens the country about the Republican party. On top of the scandals and corruption, throw in the fact that these are some of the most loyal self-proclaimed "Bush Republicans" around. What's the GOP's biggest liability in the coming election? Bush's Hindenburg-like approval rating. The GOP is gracefully clearing out extremists who are, in the public eye, inextricably linked with an unpopular, failed, and even hidden, Bush agenda.

So now in 17 congressional districts and 6 state senate elections, the Republicans can run moderates; they can run young guys with clean records; but most importantly, they can run people who have little or no association with the Bush White House. If they take back either the house or the senate, that's how they have to do it. They got creamed in the last round.

Their presidential candidate, whoever he may be, can handle being a Bush Republican, because he'll have experience, and a lot of visibility and ability to clarify all his differences. He'll be his own man. But those running for congress don't have the luxury of that much media attention, money, and other things that equate to public exposure. (Also, let's be honest, it's easier to win when running against a woman or a guy whose middle name is Hussein--but more on why the Democratic candidates are so weak later.)

I'm calling it now: all these resignations are more than rats fleeing a sinking ship. They're washing the stench of failure off some of their more visible failures, and they'll be able to run untainted candidate on a level playing field. Same old tactics; fresh new faces.

Thoughts?

(PS - if any of my readers are over 25 and live in traditionally conservative districts where a "Bush Republican" is running as an incumbent, you've got a decent chance to make it to congress as a Democrat or even an independent in this climate.)

My Burger Limerick

Cynara asked for a burger-related limerick. Here's what I came up with in 80 seconds at 1:50 in the morning. I thought I'd share it with everyone, because--as I've mentioned--it's 1:50 (now 1:52) in the morning.

There once was a burger called Brighton
Whose toppings could truly enlighten
With bacon and cheese
But no mayonnaise please
It's a meal that I have set my sights on.

My Old Iraq Plan

I'm leaving for Boston tomorrow, so I probably won't be updating until after the Thanksgiving weekend. Before I go, I'd like to wish all my readers (both of you) a happy Thanksgiving.

I'd also like to point out that this article in the New York Times recommends pretty much EXACTLY the same plan I proposed back in 2003. I was told that I was being silly and naive, and that politics didn't work that way. Oh, how foolish I was in my younger years, to think of a plan that, after 4 years of quagmire, a former US Ambassador and current consultant to the US Government on Iraq policy is now espousing.

I have an idea: let's start judging ideas based on their merits instead of their source.

My Rockapella Speech

How many people have heard President Bush speak about tracking down terrorists a few dozen times? OK, you can put your hands down. Now, here's the 64,000 dollar question of this post: if, when writing these addresses to the nation, the speech writing team were replaced by the guys who wrote the "Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?" theme song, how long would it take people to notice?

Imagine the President goes on TV; the subject of terrorism gets brought up in a press conference; and he starts saying things like: "We will hunt these sticky-fingered filchers down no matter what, and it must be a global effort. They cannot hide. If they step foot on US soil, airport security will not permit them to leave O'Hare, much less rearm in Czechoslovakia and come back. We will not stand idly by while they finance their efforts through scams in Scandinavia under the noses of their lax police forces. We will not permit them to take a boat to China and seek asylum among those who claim to want friendly relationships with our great nation. No weapons purchased from arms dealers in Kiev will make their way to the Carolinas..."

Seriously, how different does that sound from what he usually says? My answer, sadly, has to be "not very." The only difference I can see is that this version makes it sound like he knows a little bit more about geography than he usually does.

PS - It's been suggested that I submit some modified version of my last two posts (My Mayor I and II) as an editorial to the Philadelphia Inquirer. Any thoughts?

My New Mayor II

After Mayor-elect Nutter called for help from the best and brightest of the city, I started thinking, "I wonder if he means me." I sent my resume in just in case he did mean me. And I started my cover letter with the message I'd want to send were I the new mayor (or rather, if I were the new mayor and only had 30 minutes to think of and write something):

[Editor's note and required background information: "A Prayer for the City" is a famous book chronicling how Mayor Rendell & Co got us through Philadelphia's last crisis]

My favorite thing to do after the Eagles win is to take a walk down any street in the city. It is during these hours that Philadelphia achieves its highest potential. People who met hours before stream out of sports bars with their arms around each other singing; perfect strangers hop on each others’ backs and let out yelps of joy; t-shirt clad joggers feel free to smile, stop and chat with anyone wearing a jersey; we feel camaraderie; we feel safe; and we are a family.

And it shouldn’t be just after Eagle wins that we act like it. It’s not enough just to live close together. We need to be a community, to ask “what’s up?” and care about the answer, to look after each other, to watch over our neighbors and neighborhoods, to grow together, to learn together, and to raise and educate children together. We must share in each others’ joys and victories, and support each other in times of sorrow and need. And in doing so, we’ll save lives. We’ll protect and be protected. And we’ll imbue our communities with strength so deeply rooted that no budget deficit or crime wave can undermine it.

Philadelphia has some tough times ahead, and the city government may not have all the resources it would like to support community efforts. But I have faith that the communities will rise to the challenge if asked, as potential public servants and local leaders are eager to answer the Mayor-elect’s call for assistance and collaboration.

This time around we won’t need a prayer for our city. Civic pride must and will extend beyond volunteerism and civil service. Individual citizens will share in the sacrifice, share in the burden, share in the planning, share in the work, and share in our inevitable triumph. I’ve lived in and around Philadelphia my whole life, and I’m confident we’ll stand up and be counted together. We’ll face challenges with resolve, and say “bring it on.” I’m thrilled to see that, less than 48 hours after the polls closed, the Mayor-elect has already started doing all the right things, and it gives me hope. We won’t need a prayer for the city this time around. We’ll create our own miracles.

My New Mayor

Michael Nutter, the Mayor-elect of Philadelphia, has one of the toughest jobs in the world ahead of him. He'll soon be steering the good ship Philadelphia, now facing a wave of violence, into the dark, murky waters of financial hardship, along with other obtuse seafaring metaphors. But despite an incompetent and corrupt predecessor, this isn't shaping up to be a Titanic story. There's no one I'd rather have captaining this cruise-liner upon which I find myself than the thoughtful local statesman (cityman?) behind my beloved Philadelphia smoking ban. And as captain, he's not just protecting his passengers: he's asking for their help.

Extending my streak of cliches, just as people are asked to answer calls of heroism, Michael Nutter is dialing up the best and brightest of our great city, and the CallerID says "Civic Duty." He's asking businesses to lend employees to the city--from top executives to rising stars--to serve on boards and commissions and to work as city employees. He's imploring bright energetic Philadelphia-lovers to take a year or two and work for the city, even if a life of public service isn't for everyone.

Two days after the election, Nutter is showing the kind of leadership that this city needs (and better leadership than Street showed in 8 years). I think this is exactly what we need, and it shouldn't stop after our best and brightest solve this impending crisis (I have confidence). Working for the city should be like the Peace Corps or Teach for America. We should create fellowship opportunities for young people to serve their communities as civil servants for a year or two. Competition for these coveted opportunities should be fierce, and we should make it prestigious enough that the only complaint the program's detractors will have will be that too many amazing people are being turned away for want of more slots on the elite roster of the Philadelphia Fellows. We should cheer these people as heroes.

Or at least that would be my goal if I were starting this. I hope Mayor Nutter has similar designs. I think this is going to work, and we shouldn't stop just because there's no more crisis.

My Almost Major

My high school physics teacher made quite a few attempts to get me to major in physics. I still like physics, even though I never took a course in it in college. And the other day, DeluxX sent me a list of signs that one might be a physics major. I was surprised how many apply to me, or almost do. The list is below, with the ones that don't apply deleted:

You might be a physics major...

• if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically. [if you count Excel]
  
• if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
• if you chuckle whenever anyone says 'centrifugal force.'
• if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major. [sometimes, more so after reading this list]
• if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
• if you think in 'math.'
• if you have a pet named after a scientist. [my roommate has a pet named after a fictional doctor, close enough]
• if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
• if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment. [If I weren't allergic, this would be believable]
• if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says 'Exit.'
• if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe. [I get worried about things like this about once a year...I also try to breathe slower to make up for all the trees I kill]
• if you consider ANY non-science course 'easy.' [I consider any non-science course a physics major would ever take easy..."Mathematical Modeling Applications in Finance" wasn't at all easy, nor was Financial Derivatives, but a physics major would never be exposed to them, so I'm counting this one. Most intro or intermediate courses outside of science are unbelievably easy, and in the humanities they almost all are, especially compared to physics.]
• if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe. [I tried that once...]
  
• if you'll assume that a 'horse' is a 'sphere' in order to make the math easier.
• if you understood more than five of these indicators.
• if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door. [Door, blog, whatever]

I also think the following jokes are funny:

"A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?"

"Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature." [think about it]

"Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the same side"

"Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says 'I'll have what he's having.'"

"There is this farmer who is having problems with his chickens. All of the sudden, they are all getting very sick and he doesn't know what is wrong with them. After trying all conventional means, he calls a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to see if they can figure out what is wrong. So the biologist looks at the chickens, examines them a bit, and says he has no clue what could be wrong with them. Then the chemist takes some tests and makes some measurements, but he can't come to any conclusions either. So the physicist tries. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he starts scribbling away in a notebook. Finally, after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, 'I've got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum.'"

Thanks to physlink.com for the jokes, and others. I didn't include some of my favorites that appear on the site because most everyone I know has already heard them before from me.

My National Pickup Line Contest

So a while back, I saw a banner ad for a pickup line contest. Remington, a company that makes things like electric razors, was running a national contest to see who could come up with the best and worst pickup lines (translation: most likely to work and funniest). I clicked on the ad, hoping to get a few laughs out of it (it was judged by anyone logging on and voting).

Most of them were pretty unfunny, so I--being the suave urban sophisticate and pickup artist that I am--submitted a few of my own unbelievably nerdy ones. Fully aware this was primarily promotional, I used my junk e-mail address to avoid corporate spam. I soon forgot about the contest.

Last week as I was performing my monthly check of my junk e-mail account, and lo and behold! I get an e-mail notifying me that I WON. The top and bottom 5 lines got prizes, and I was solidly in that latter group. My submission was deemed by the Internet community to be among the funniest and most desperately hopeless attempts to seduce women.

I had missed the deadline for responding to get my prizes, but the woman there said she'd try to get them to me anyway, as they were running behind schedule themselves. So I hurriedly faxed in my form, and now I'm waiting to get my free electric razor and my 10 t-shirts that say:

"I wish you were cos(x) and I were sin(x), so I could always fill the area under your curves."

Awesome.

PS - The woman I talked to loved the line and wanted to know if it had any success...and later admitted to having formed that opinion after requiring a colleague to explain it to her.

PPS - If you don't get the line, put down your Art History/Anthropology/Communications reading (or whatever phony major you chose) and go ask someone with skills.

PPPS - I have Cynara's permission to go out to bars and see if these shirts work. Anyone wanna come? Or know any nerdy bars where all the hotties know calculus?

PPPPS - I hate it when people add multiple postscripts by adding an extra "S" each time. It's Postscript and Post-Postscript, etc. Post means "after." After the script, after the script after the script, and so on and so forth. Post Script Script doesn't make any sense. If you're a PS, PSS, PSSS person, consider yourself officially "ON NOTICE."

My Local Election Recommendation

If you're registered to vote in Philadelphia, please do this year. You'll see on the ballot that Judge Teresa Carr Deni has been recommended for retention to the Municipal Court by the Philadelphia Bar Association. I'd like to recommend the opposite. And here's why:

She recently presided over a case in which a 20 year old single mother, desperate to make ends meet, was working as a prostitute. This woman, while negotiating for services with a Mr. Gindraw, a potential client, had a gun pulled on her. She was subsequently forced at gunpoint to have unprotected sex with the gun holder and three of his friends.

Judge Deni decided that this was not rape (or even sexual assault or assault) because of her profession, that being a sex worker essentially meant all sex was consensual. The fact that she wasn't paid for this reduced the offense to "theft of services." (Incidentally, after being released by Judge Deni, Mr. Gindraw organized another gang rape 4 days later.)

While others who wrote about this expressed moral outrage, I went straight to the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania's definition of rape. And according to Pennsylvania Consolidated Statutes, Crimes and Offenses (Title 18), Part II (Definition of Specific Offenses), Chapter 31 (Sexual Offenses), Subchapter B, Section 3121, rape, a felony in the first degree, has occurred when a person engages in sexual intercourse with someone:
"1. By forcible compulsion.
2. By threat of forcible compulsion that would prevent resistance by a person of
reasonable resolution.
3. [there are four more definitions not applicable here]"

If this wasn't by forcible compulsion or threat of forcible compulsion that would prevent resistance by a person of reasonable resolution, I don't know what would. The Judge's personal opinions aside, it's her job to interpret and apply the law. And there is NO argument to be made that what happened wasn't, BY LEGAL DEFINITION, rape.

Regardless of the specifics of this case, a person has no business being a judge in our society when she puts her own feelings and opinions above her job, above her responsibilities and sworn duties, and above the law. In this case, her personal contempt for prostitutes got in the way of the law, and incidentally resulted in another gang rape. Judge Deni was quoted saying that calling this rape “minimizes true rape cases and demeans women who are really raped.”

So please, if you're registered to vote in Philadelphia, let's fire this person for not doing her job.

Our Children

The United States House of Representatives sustained President Bush's veto of a bill that would have expanded the State Children's Health Insurance Program (S-CHIP) by 35 billion dollars, and benefited over 10 million children--including providing coverage to almost 4 million American kids who currently don't have any medical insurance (to provide some sense of scale, covering 4 million kids costs about 5 weeks in Iraq).

These are kids we're talking about. Not even assistance to families or parents with kids, JUST THE KIDS. And why? Because the President thinks that this will encourage people to use public insurance instead of private insurance. Of course, this program is only available to children whose parents can't afford insurance for their kids, or those whose parents are affording it only by making tremendous sacrifices.

At a time when every industrialized nation manages to provide healthcare for virtually all of its citizens, 45 million Americans--almost one out of every six of us--goes without. And why can't we cover these people? The White House tells us it's because it would encourage others to drop private insurance and go on public plans. But riddle the American public this, Mr. President, what's so bad about that, if the private system is failing so badly that about 15% of us can't get insurance? And this is where many Republican leaders, not just the President, stand by a policy even dumber than the RIAA's business model of suing its customers: they blame the uninsured. Their stance is that Americans who aren't covered by already existing public programs, with very few exceptions, should be able to easily get insurance on their own, through employers or the private market.

So why are they uninsured? You'll get answers like "they don't want to be insured" or "they mad bad decisions and should live with the consequences of their actions."

Fine. Let's take a break from reality for the minute and temporarily grant those assumptions. Let's take them as given. Uninsured Americans don't want insurance or don't deserve it because they screwed up, and the government can't bail everyone out. But what about their kids?

Would any responsible parent making a low to mid 5-figure income decide that their kid shouldn't have health insurance? If parents really were deciding that for their children, what percentage of them should be tried in a court of law and have the kids removed by child services for dangerous and criminal levels of negligence? And what about the parents who screwed up, who can't get insurance because of their bad decisions? Are we really going to visit the sins of the father upon his sons? Do the daughters of financially ignorant mothers deserve to live without medical care? Do we really say that there are children in our country who deserve to die because they contracted a dangerous illness the same year their parents lost their jobs?

That's what's been happening, and that's what 229 House Democrats and 44 House Republicans were trying to stop. 273 people tryied to protected millions of those whom our leaders call "our future," thwarted by one man's veto and enough party loyalty to make it stick.

What do I say to this? Maybe only rich peoples' kids are our future? Please don't reelect these congressmen? I don't know what I CAN say to this. I think this isn't a job for me, but a job for us. We need to let people know this isn't what we sent them to Washington to do. I just wish I knew how. If anyone does, let me know soon, because the House leaders are going to make a few changes and try again. I'm looking forward to that.

My Quotes 1

On the lighter side, here are some amusing quotes I've been collecting from my life. It'll give readers a break from all that thinking I've been doing.

I'll start with myself, topping the list of things I never thought I'd have to say: "I'm REALLY sorry I made you shoot grape up your nose."

Cynara: I prefer to outweigh my laundry. It gives me a feeling of power.

Cynara: There are a few things I'm very reluctant to do for money. Reading Torah is one of them. Though I suppose if I were desperate, it would be higher on my list than, say, prostitution or...or...
Me: Accounting?
Cynara: Well, yes...

Max Power: The park outside you apartment is totally wasted on you!
Me: Why? I like it.
Max Power: Because there are girls in bikinis sunbathing daily right outside your front door!
Me: No there aren't.
Max Power: Yes there are!
Me: Really?
Max Power: This is exactly my point!

DeluxX: [Sheba], how are we going to explain to dad that we charged three milkshakes to his credit card when it's only the two of us?
Sheba: Simple: one for you, one for me, and one to bring all the boys to the yard.

My Asthma

Today, the New York Times Freakonomics blog/column pointed out that asthmatic children of single mothers fare significantly worse than their asthmatic counterparts in two-parent families. They visit the doctor less, they get prescriptions filled less, and here's a quote from the study the article quoted: "Children from single-mother families had more health difficulties from asthma than children with two parents, and children living with two or more other children were more likely to have an asthma attack in the past 12 months than children living with no other children."

OK, so busy parents take worse care of their kids. But here's something interesting: today the BBC reported that exposure to spray-based cleaning supplies increases your chances of having asthma and makes asthma worse. Things like glass cleaner, air-freshening spray, and furniture cleaners are the biggest culprits.

And then I thought, the Freakonomics article mentioned that kids in single-parents families fare worse than kids in two-parent families, but as far as asthma goes, it's only been shown that kids in single-MOTHER families do worse. Now, the Freakonomics guys are known for pointing out correlations and possible causes of phenomena that a normal investigator might not think of, but I'm going to one up them:

Maybe asthmatic children of single mothers do worse because their mothers ask them to clean. Think about it. I'm going to use stereotypes here, but they're mostly true in this case, so bear with me. In a two-parent household, labor is divided up, and usually the woman does more of the cleaning. But she has the time, because the man is doing other things, like paying bills, going to work, grilling, scratching himself, and playing sports with the kids (whatever). Point being, there's less of an impetus for a parent to ask a child for help with the cleaning.

In a single-mother family, however, mommy needs a little help, so she gives the little squirt a squirt bottle and cleaning becomes a family activity (also a way to keep an eye on the young one while she cleans). So why does this effect not persist in single-father families? Easy. Because single men don't clean!

Q.E.D.

Stephen Dubner (the Freakonomics columnist) can put THAT in his cake hole and pipe it.

My Lack of Faith in a Faith

I was once quoted as saying that you know you're scraping the bottom of the moral sinkhole when your insurance company is acting as your conscience and forcing you to take the moral high ground. This was said of the Catholic Church, in reference to the reason they told priests to stop molesting little boys (i.e., that the companies underwriting their cover-all insurance policies were saying that the constant private settlements--oh yes, the Church knew about the problem for years before doing anything--had to stop and weren't being covered anymore).

Anyway, despite saying just two nights ago that I had a great deal of respect for their religion, I'm afraid my opinion of the institution has hit a new low. Lizmonster found this article, about how the Archbishop of the AIDS-ravaged Mozambique has told his relatively uneducated followers not to use condoms, because the Europeans are deliberately infecting them with HIV. And to keep his story consistent, he's apparently also saying that the anti-retroviral drugs are similarly laced with the deadly virus to "finish quickly the African people."

Needless to say, unless the Church intervenes rapidly, Archbishop Chimoio has just sentenced many people to a slow and painful death. So far, though, the Catholic Church's opposition to condoms has prevented any response that my Internet connection and I can find.

This story is exactly the kind of thing I'd get yelled at for doing. I still think it's a good idea.

Also, who's reading my blog from Australia? I didn't know I knew anyone in Australia. Feel free to post a comment and say hello. Hi, Australia!

My Monday Night Halftime

So ESPN, now in possession of Monday Night Football, has added a mini-version of their popular television show, Pardon The Interruption, to the halftime show. Just minutes ago, one of the two stars of the sports debate show, Tony Kornheiser, said that OJ Simpson, who was recently arrested for allegedly stealing his own sports memorabilia, was "the most notorious person of our time."

At first I thought, "this must be some strange use of the word 'notorious' of which I was not previously aware." Then I looked it up. Definitions include:
1) Known widely and usually unfavorably; infamous
2) Widely known and discussed: famed, famous, leading, popular, well-known

And that's it. I'm going to assume they mean the first definition, as the second definition is clearly not true. So let's play a fun game in the comments. Name someone more notorious (in the infamous/known widely and unfavorably sense) than OJ Simpson, and perhaps try to name the most notorious person of our time. I'll get the ball rolling with a few suggestions:
Hillary Clinton
Terrell Owens
Osama bin Laden

My Future

The Associated Press reports that a scientist from Erie, Pennsylvania has discovered a way to burn salt water. It's a neat little trick he discovered while playing with a radio frequency generator.

I personally think this could be one of the most influential discoveries of the past 100 years, or more. Some of you are already giddy with excitement along with me, but for the non-scientists and slow learners out there, let me explain: if you can burn something, you can probably figure out a way to use it as fuel.

Right now most of our fuels come from oil, and a great deal of our nation's foreign policy--and consequently a huge percentage of taxpayer dollars--is directly or indirectly influenced by our need to secure a steady supply of oil. Now, let me paint you a picture with my imagination brush. We could live in a world where we have a choice between using saltwater or oil as the base for most of our fuels. Our political and industrial leaders start to wonder if there might be a convenient source of saltwater near us, one that wouldn't be controlled by terrorism-supporting nations, or any other sovereignty for that matter...and if we could get the saltwater for cheaper than 40 dollars a barrel, well, wouldn't that be a coup. Eventually even our leaders who couldn't find their own posteriors with both hands would make their way to the ocean...either with the power of their minds or carried by a mob of constituents who don't appreciate paying terrorists 4 bucks a gallon to fill up their Hummers.

Oh, and wanna know the kicker? 16 days ago I wrote about a guy who was using radio waves to fight cancer...IT'S THE SAME GUY. And even more amazingly, it's the same machine that led to both discoveries (which will of course be pursued by many more sophisticated scientists with much better equipment and bigger budgets, but still). John Kanzius may be a household name in a quarter of a century, for inventing a single machine that helped the fight against cancer...as a warm-up before helping to solve the world's energy problems.

Oh yeah, and he's willing to sell the saltwater-burning invention and let someone else run with it...so he can take the proceeds of the sale and reinvest it in his efforts to cure kids with leukemia. I'm not one to affix the "hero" label to someone willy-nilly, but in this case, John Kanzius is making a good case for being the Superman of our time, and he's doing it without ever ceasing to be mild-mannered.

Some links:
http://www.livescience.com/environment/070911_ap_salt_water.html
http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/07252/815920-85.stm

Video from local news:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGg0ATfoBgo

This is obviously the very beginning of a long story with extraordinary potential, and I intend to keep an ear and an eye out for more developments. If I miss something, however, and one of my loyal readers (can I use the plural there? I'm gonna use the plural) sees more on the subject, please let me know.

My Links 3

I'm going to break this links entry into two sections. The first three links are interesting news updates.

The last three links are just amusing images.

News:

German town removes traffic lights and stop signs to cut down on accidents - This seems counter-intuitive, but I guess that if you have to be hyper alert all the time, drivers can't be lazy and follow guidelines. Still, this is one idea that wouldn't fly with America.

Study finds that liberal brains are smarter - This isn't all that well explained in the article, but the basic idea is that they put a bunch of people in front of terminals that give them easy questions they have to answer very quickly by pressing buttons, and 80% of the answers correspond to one of the buttons. The participants also rate their political leanings from -5 (liberal) to +5 (conservative). The researchers then looked at the 20% of questions whose answers didn't correspond to the button that the people were used to pushing. Sure enough, there was a different; the more liberal you were, the lower your error. According to researchers, liberals' minds are better able to adjust to and process and consider new things, politically and otherwise. The results were examined by an independent researcher at Berkeley who was unconnected with the experiment (and had nothing at stake).

Hormone linked to Autism - Levels of a male sex hormone in fetuses are positively correlated with the probability the resulting child will be autistic or have autistic traits. While it's unclear whether this is a cause or effect of autism, it's an important discovery in the ongoing investigation.

The Lighter Side:

The Safest Airline

Adorable animals made out of vegetables

Why My Kids Won't Be Allowed Online

I would totally go see this show if it existed.

My Cure for Cancer

http://www.nbc4.com/health/11125917/detail.html

OK, so it's not MY cure for cancer. But a leukemia patient with a background in Physics and Radio Broadcasting invented a device to help combat cancer, and it's very interesting. The idea is that it turns cancer cells into antennae that attract ordinarily harmless particles that can be easily heated by radio waves (more easily than the rest of your body). Then, once these particles are disproportionately attached to the cancer cells, you flood the body with radio waves in a non-invasive procedure. The cancerous growths then go through something like a self-destructing meltdown.

This innovative concept is being tested by researchers, and hopefully something will come of it. I'd love to buy stock in the company that starts building whatever comes out of the research, though I think it'd be even better if the inventor insisted that a non-profit take control and try to make it as widely available as possible as fast as possible. Heartwarmingly, the motivation for his invention was seeing kids go into chemotherapy with smiles and come back a few weeks later without them.

[Editor's Addendum: Read the comments. The one left by Max Power provides some context for this type of research. And I can assure you he's quite qualified to comment.]

My Links 2

Here's a second round of links I think my readers might enjoy. I spend enough time surfing the Internet to find these things, you all might as well benefit from it. Why reinvent the wheel, after all? I have no life...now you can get the benefits of having no life and surfing the web all day without having to actually needing to have no life!

First and Foremost: A Free Cure for Depression - It's not a drug, it's your mind! Specifically, it's the neo-cortex. Depression resides in the sub-cortex, and according to this researcher, one can use a technique called "Brainswitching" to change the source of your thoughts from the sub-cortex to the neo-cortex, where depression can't exist. Something as simple as focusing on a very simple thought or nonsensical phrase repeatedly with your logical mind will switch your mental activity from one part of the brain to the other, and enable one to avoid long spells of depression. This switch happens naturally over days, weeks or months--which is why the severity of depression is almost always cyclical. But one can accomplish that switch in minutes--the researcher himself is bipolar and has had tremendous success with the technique on his own. If you want more information, the researcher plugs his two books on the topic at the end (one is his story, the other is more of a how-to manual).

An Underwater Restaurant - For the adventurers out there looking for their next exciting meal. Seriously, this is a cool concept. Add in the fact that dinner's between 242 and 275 dollars a plate, and I start wondering: anyone want to go into business with me and start one?*
*offer void where seasick

Han Solo in Carbonite Chocolate Bar - I will eat my favorite decoration. Mwahahaha. Seriously, it's about time! I want one.

An interesting artistic video - Proof that I don't understand art. If someone would kindly explain this to me in the comments, it would be much appreciated. All I know about art is that I know what I don't like, and I don't not like this.

Ridiculous Japanese Vending Machines - What can you buy in Japanese vending machines? The list includes: Eggs, Umbrellas, Hot Ramen Noodles, 22 pound bags of rice, Fishing Bait, Toilet Paper, Flowers, Dumplings, Alcoholic Beverages, Pornography, Pet Beetles, Kerosene, Dry Ice, and some more troubling items that I won't mention in this reasonably family-friendly blog...but it's pretty insane (and really makes you wonder who on earth would BUY some of these things at ALL, much less out of a vending machine...).

As always, feedback is welcome.

So I accidentally posted twice and can't figure out how to delete posts. Oops. I can edit it down to nothing though, but I thought I'd include this explanation.

My First Attempt at (actual) Political Commentary

http://www.moveon.org/r?r=2879&id=10983-8524939-k7.3OE&t=2

Ignore the source of the website and just watch the video. It's short. But for those who can't be bothered with it, it's a clip from an interview with Dick Cheney from 1994. In this interview, Cheney talked about various foreign policy issues, including a defense of why the US didn't go into Iraq. Cheney, in this interview done 13 years ago, is well-informed, thoughtful, articulate, straightforward, and seems to have his priorities in order. I'd vote for the Cheney in that video.

Which begs the question: what happened? And I don't think it's possible to figure out the answer looking at just Cheney. I'm going to throw out a position that I derived by thinking about things a little more broadly:

I believe Cheney's transformation into the archetypal "Bush Republican" goes to show just how insistent parties are becoming on complete polarization and loyalty to communally decided platforms. It's stamping out individuality in politicians (see the new McCain for a premier example), and making conformity a necessity to play the game at its highest levels. I think this, above all things, is the biggest danger to America present in its current political system. More so than any legislation, movement, set of ideals, war or person, it's this artificial consolidation into a completely binary system that will weaken our nation's ability to intelligently deal with complicated sets of increasingly inter-linked challenges.

Thoughts?

My Halter Top

Yesterday I finally learned what a halter top was. Today I googled it, just to make sure I had it right, and in doing so I learned how to spell "halter top."

[Editor's Addendum: Today I also learned what happens when you post a blog entry without a title. I might do this for really short or pointless entries.]

[Editor's Addendum to Editor's Addendum: I have decided to title this entry after all. Thanks, Chase, for pointing out that "My Halter Top" is a funny title.]

My Future Toilet

This weekend I went down to the shore with Max Power to visit Cookie (two new additions to my Dramatis Personae), and her father's new toilet is just a slightly less powerful version of what I want in my dream house. For those of you who don't know, I have an extensive list of what goes into my dream house, and in the top five is "the Death Star of Toilets." I hate dealing with plumbing issues so much, I want a toilet that can suck an orange through a pinhole. At the very very least, a struggling adult male gopher should not be able to overcome its current. But why stop there? The toilet could have all sorts of other features...features that I discovered this weekend.

This toilet had a remote control. That's right, a remote control. And the control had TWENTY-SIX (that's 26) buttons on it. Features included:
-Flush button (much better than a lever I found, and harder to break or rust)
-Stop button (for any of the other features)
-Multiple toilet positions (2 seats up, all down, cover up/seat down)
-Very quiet running, and not just the features, the flush as well. Seriously, it's like a stealth toilet...it's like popping a squat on the Red Oktober's little brother
-A motion/proximity detector that lifts the seat up for you when it detects you in the right spot
-A seat warmer, with adjustable thermal controls
-Three different bidet settings (and yes, I tried it, just to say I had and so as not to miss out on one of life's experiences...it was weird, but I can still see how people get used to it)
-Air circulation options--this thing started gentle air currents circulating beneath me as soon as I sat down
-A dryer (I'm not going to go into details on this one, but use your imagination)
-And most useful for my "Death Star of toilets" critera: adjustable water pressure

And I didn't even get a chance to explore all of the options.

I think this toilet might be smarter than some people I went to school with...

My Completely Unoriginal Post

So I'm shamelessly copying this from a website that's essentially Confessions of a Former Blockbuster Employee, though the name isn't as imaginative or as cliched. (Here's a link)

#7 particularly caught my eye, and I wanted to share it with my readers and invite comments. If anyone is willing to TEST this, I REALLY want to see how it turns out.

Begin block quote...
>>>>>
"Theft Is Bad"
Like many other corporate chains (Target and Wal-mart come to mind), Blockbuster must appear to despise shoplifting in all its shapes and forms, whilst doing pretty much nothing to stop it.

If you stuff eighteen DVDs, a Grand Theft Auto strategy guide, and a box of Red Vines into a backpack and walk out, congratulations – you’ve just committed the perfect crime. Even if the metal detector by the door goes off on your way out, you’re fine. Even if the security camera catches your face, you’re fine. Even if DVDs are literally poking out of your dungarees at the feet and waist, and even if every step you make is punctuated by the loud, repeated clapping of plastic case against plastic case, and even if an employee personally comes up to you and asks to see all the items you are carrying, once you leave the store you’ll still spend the rest of your arrest-free night watching your stolen copy of Red Dawn.

Blockbuster employees are trained not to stop, accuse, or pursue criminals, no matter what. This is partially for legal reasons (if a Blockbuster employee accuses a thief of stealing as per company policy and the thief shoots him, Blockbuster can be held accountable), but partially because Blockbuster doesn’t want to waste its time getting in battles with every two-bit pickpocket in the US. In the same way that videogame companies tend not to crack down on pirates, so too does Blockbuster ignore theft. Literally the only situation in which a Blockbuster employee can take any action against a thief is if the thief confesses to attempting to steal something. The BB theft response system quite literally punishes honesty – if someone admits to having stolen something, the employee is to immediately call the police and wait with the thief until their arrival, at which point said thief will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Yeah, that’ll fucking teach him to fess up and apologize.
>>>>>

Please somebody try this and let me know how it goes.

DISCLAIMER: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME OR AT YOUR LOCAL BLOCKBUSTER. YOU'RE READING "NOBODY DOES IT LIKE MOLTEN BORON," THE BLOG THAT DOES NOT CONDONE THE COOL CRIME OF ROBBERY.

My Vote for Obama

I think it's safe to say that all the candidates for US President in 2008 have been extremely disappointing. Rudy thinks the constitution is a shackle for which we need to find more workarounds. McCain has sold out as a "Bush Republican" and has stopped being original so that he might appeal a little more broadly and not upset his party leaders. Hillary's a crook. Mitt has a stupid name (also he supports unreliable methods of torture that make us look bad internationally and are known to be unreliable and produce misinformation...and he's kind of a tool). Obama's the best of the lot, because there's nothing you can say about him. He's unobjectionable...but mostly because he hasn't DONE anything. Any accomplished state governor should be able to rip him to shreds. Obama, however, still might get my vote. And here's why:

Obama is the only candidate that has made a definitive statement that I wholeheartedly support. It happens to be a fashion statement, but in this presidential pre-race, I think we can agree that one can't afford to be picky.

On June 9th, the Wall Street Journal ran a fluff piece on "The Obama Look." Obama has made abold fashion statement, simultaneously full of leadership and comfort, by wearing suits without ties. I love suiting up, but I hate tightening an expensive noose around my only neck first thing in the morning, regardless of how impeccable my taste may be. I can get behind that, and if he gets elected president, I think the trend will catch on like wildfire. Tieless could be the new tuxedo, which would be fantastic--especially given how good I look in a blue suit without a tie.

While the other candidates have shown themselves to be the kinds of guys to steer our nation into a giant nose-dive, making our country one big plummeting metaphor headed inexorably for a crash site paved with the principles upon which their about-to-explode aircraft was founded, Obama would probably just be a lateral move. And if he pioneered a fashion trend that would make my fellow Americans and me more comfortable, he's got my vote. At least until something real comes along.

My Links 1

So there are going to be two new categories of posts: Links and Quotes. The former will be an annotated bibliography of interesting links I've found while procrastinating on the Internet that I think people will enjoy; the latter will just be funny quotes I've accumulated. I'm going to try to keep them ordered, so the posts all have unique titles, but if I fail or get too lazy to figure it out I'll just replace the number with an "X" and let you guys use the chronological post-lister on the right sidebar to figure it out. Anyway, without further adieu...

Breast Enlargement - Breast implants are now the top graduation gift in Italy. Statisticians are still trying to figure out what the girls are getting for their achievements.

For Hockey Fans - A list of Wayne Gretzky's 61 scoring records (with VERY few ties). I especially like the single reasons records where he's second to himself...or where you have to go down to sixth place to find a record holder for that category who isn't The Great One. Speaking of The Great One (which is the most impressive nickname I've ever heard), you know how sometimes reading about the accomplishments of a successful person can make you feel bad, like you haven't done enough? Reading about Wayne has the opposite effect, at least for me, because I know I didn't stand a chance. It makes me feel better, knowing the kind of guy I was up against, and I feel just fine with my simple life.

Pearls of Wisdom - By Dave Barry. I like the 14 Points format. It's reminiscent of Woodrow Wilson's 14 points, or the 14 features of fascism. 14's a great number for a list. I may have to make some 14 point lists for this blog.

Totally Unsurprising Obscure Futurama Reference - From "Mars University"
Professor: What device invented in the Twentieth Century allowed people to view broadcast programs in their own homes?
Fry: Oh, I know this…what do you call it…Lite Brite!

Why Terrorism Fails, Psychologically Speaking - This last one is by far the most interesting, though decidedly unfunny. The premise is very interesting: people tend to assume that the reason people do things is to create the immediate effects those things have. Terrorism doesn't work that way. Most terrorists have a political agenda, but civilian populations grow more and more resistant to their ideas as it becomes "clearer" that the terrorists hate everything they are and want to kill their children. Most terrorists would prefer NOT to kill children, but feel they have no choice in order to get fair treatment for their people. But since the effects of their actions are so horrifying, they get both the attention they weren't getting with words AND hostile judgments that render such endeavors effective only 7% of the time, according to this study. One thing the article leads out, however, is something I'd like to add here:

People are more likely to assume that the immediate consequence of an action was the motivation behind the action if the effects are very predictable. (Also, the fewer immediate effects there are, the surer someone will be. For example, if you close the door to a noisy hallway, people assume you closed it for quiet. But if you close the window to a noisy outdoor playground, you might have done it to keep the room at your preferred temperature.) Since terrorist acts have few immediate consequences that are very predictable, I feel this hypothesis is even stronger than the article's author gives it credit for. And since terrorists almost invariably have long-term goals not directly linked to causing terror in civilian populations, it means our judgments about them are often wrong (and that a smart terrorist-slash-freedom-fighter should alter his tactics).

My Single File Line

Cynara's been an instructor at a local gymnastics camp the past few weeks. And she noticed something, thinking it evidence of a generational gap. Children (campers) are referring to the act of taking a position in a single file line that isn't in the back and without permission as "busting." She had always referred to it as "cutting" in line. While I am familiar with her expression and not "busting," in first grade we called it "budging"--a term with which Cynara was unfamiliar. So I'm not yet convinced it means we're too old. I'd like to invite readers to comment on cutting in line. (Have you heard busting? What did you call it, how long ago, and where?) Furthermore, after the wildly popular fashion column written by my inner four-year old, I've invited my inner six year old to finish off this column with a few pointers and pet peeves about dealing with a single file line. So without further adieu, my inner five year old:

Rule #1: No cutting. Cutting is defined as taking a new and non-last place in a single file line without permission. This is the cardinal rule of single file lines, and if you can't handle it, you should be sent back to kindergarten or preschool. Every first grader is expected to follow this rule as if they were Starfleet officers following the Prime Directive, or girls so thoroughly following whatever unwritten rulebook makes them so confusing.

Rule #2: Permission for entering the single file line mid-file may be given in special cases. This is not cutting, but rather called "cutsies" [Adult Editor's Note: or at least it was in 1990 when I was in first grade]. Cutsies is when an established line member lets you into line directly next to them. There are limitations on cutsies, however, as described below.

Rule #3 (Vocabulary): Cutsies are divided into two categories, reflecting the one-dimensional nature of a single-file line. "Frontsies" are cutsies in front of the permission-granting party, and "backsies" are cutsies in back of the permission-granting party. Cutsies, frontsies and backsies are both singular and plural. More on this later.

Rule #4: Only one Cutsies may be granted per line member per line.

Rule #5: Recipients of Cutsies may NOT grant Cutsies in that line. Cutsies is discretionary privilege attained by getting one's spot the old fashioned way: earning it (much like Smith Barney). There are special exceptions to this rule, but usually it involves the rearranging of the line, and doesn't apply to newcomers.

Rule #6: Unless you have the express permission of the person behind you, NO BACKSIES. I cannot stress this enough. YOUR BACKSIE IS SOMEBODY ELSE'S FRONTSIE. Impromptu backsies is a SERIOUS breach of etiquette.

(Commentary on Rule the Sixth: Why not just have the person in back of you give frontsies? He might want to use his one someone else. Also, be aware, the people behind you in line may overrule a backsies anyway--see Rule the Eighth for details.)

Rule #7: No reciprocal frontsies. Reciprocal frontsies = backsies. And, as we've established, your backsie is someone else's frontsie.

Rule #8: The collective community behind you can overrule any Cutsies actions with a simple majority vote. If necessary, votes will be weighted based on appropriate metrics (sometimes that metric will be time spent in line, but more frequently it's weighted by ability to beat up the person offering Cutsies at recess. For the sake of your health and social life, never defy a two-thirds majority uproar.

While the more nuanced subtleties have been left out, this should prove a useful guide for your next experience in a single-file line of children.

My Four Year Old Fashion Column

Fashion Advice from my Inner Four Year Old:
1.) Orange shirts with red shorts are the new red shirts with orange shorts.

2.) Underwear is never inappropriate. Not as an undergarment, and not as a headdress.
2a.) Pulled down over ones face, with only the fly through which to see, certain kinds of underwear also make nice mummy masks.

3.) Contrary to popular belief, belts are not meant to keep your pants up. That's a myth. Belts are meant to help you hold things, like swords and laser guns and tools and tricorders and spy equipment. Elastic is meant to keep your pants up.

4.) You may have 3 pairs of shoes. Sneakers, boots, and "nice." Any more than that and you're a girl.

5.) In the absence of facial hair, facial chocolate is acceptable.

6.) Tying sneakers is a practice meant to help keep sneakers attached to feet. If tying them is unnecessary to accomplish that purpose, then it's unnecessary.

7.) Changing in the middle of the day--regardless of events--is for fashion models, stage actors, and Halloween.

8.) Messy is the new combed.

9.) Adding a tie to any shorts-and-t-shirt outfit is a great was to bring class and style to a nice dinner out with the family.

10.) Capes never go out of style. Never.

My End of the World

So apparently I missed BLITEOTW Day, or Blog Like It's The End Of The World Day, which was June 13th.

Now, it actually WILL be the end of the world for Office Depot if I don't get my desk, the absence of which is the main contributing factor to my lack of blogging. Things have been busy, and I've been working from my laptop since said desk, which I ordered on May 25th, still hasn't arrived. The order status says "delivered" but as I found out today, that apparently means they delivered it to UPS, who will deliver it to me (and I don't have a tracking number for it anymore, since it's out of Office Depot's hands).

I'm not really sure how one would go about blogging like it's the end of the world, but the BLITEOTWD organizers have helped bloggers out a little by imposing the "Zombie" theme. So as I look out my fictional window, I'm seeing humanity devoured by brain eating zombies. Fantastic. They totally deserve it. Especially those people who were responsible for getting me my desk on time (in the 1-10 day delivery window suggested by the company). They'll be the first up against the wall when the Zombie revolution comes, because not only are they jerks, but their brains should be plump and fertile, with clearly untouched and unused virgin gray matter ripe for the Zombie plucking.

In the midst of a global Zombie uprising, I think I'd buy oil stocks. You might think that I'd be shorting oil stocks, since people would be afraid to go out, but that would only last a month or two and you KNOW the oil companies would use the Zombie scare as a reason to hike prices for at least a year. So if humanity came out of the Zombie uprising OK, then I'd be rich. And if we didn't, well, my portfolio wouldn't be worth much anyway. In fact, the entire economy would probably collapse as people started trading hundreds of thousands of pork bellies for a single pork brain. It'd be like a bank run...but with brains instead of currency.

Speaking of bank runs, I had a great time in Boston this weekend with Cynara's family. How does that relate to bank runs? Cynara's father's favorite movie is "It's A Wonderful Life," which apparently has a bank run in it as a crucial plot device. I've never seen it, but I expect that will change.

Work starts Monday. I may have funny stories from there, but hopefully I won't have anything worthy of a Dilbert strip again.

My Funny Pictures

So I spent some time at www.thefuniest.info, and I thought I'd share a few of my favorites, mostly hidden gems you won't find on the top-rated page.

Nerdy but Funny
Aw, Sad
Too True...
My Peeps
How the First Tiger spent Fall Semester
It's All True
For Sheba
My New Rabbi
My experiences seems to confirm this...
The First Tiger and I ran into these guys once...and lived
More Nerd Humor
Classic. I hope I'm never that guy.
Except for the mayo, this guy may be my new hero
And just for kicks, a parting shot at Fox News

*Editor's Late Addition*

My Network News Table Turning

Well, I moved into my awesome new place, and without a job, friends on the hall, classes, extracurriculars, or regular offline human interaction, not a lot of funny stuff has happened to me lately. So to get content for this blog, I've decided to turn the tables on big news agencies. While CNN and Fox News have programs that consist of attractive women READING BLOGS OUT LOUD on television (that counts as "news" apparently), I've decided to just report on some amusing things I've found while getting my news.

A German gentleman was recently almost killed when he impaled himself on a plunger. Having lost his bath plug, he inserted a plunger to keep the water in the tub. While standing up to lather the vessel for his brilliantly creative problem-solving mind, he slipped on some soap and the wooded plunger handle embedded itself deep into his "backside." His wife, upon hearing the screams, was unable to separate her husband's colon from the device, and called an ambulance. After 8 hours of surgery, he's now resting in his hospital bed and is expected to make a full recovery. When asked for comment, the plunger said, "Hey, I should be mad at you!" (OK, I made that last thing up myself.)

*****

Courtesy of DeluxX, here is a picture of a dog dressed like Darth Vader.

*****

In the "Real News" vs "Fake News" contest, let's compare the top 3 headlines of the NY Times and Fox News as I'm writing this.

Issues covered by the NY Times top headlines: Global Warming, Sports and the Iraq War
(2 important things that affect a lot of people, and an update with high audience interest, all of it timely)

Issues covered by Fox News: 3 teenage sex offenders are on the run, "Mom Pimped Son, 12" and something about the guy who shot President Reagan in 1982.
(Um...)

My Dramatis Personae Update

Part of this sad business of graduating is that I can't refer to people by "neighbor" anymore once I move out. So I went through and did a few updates on the Dramatis Personae cast of characters to the right. If you want yours changed, or aren't up there and would like to be (or think I might have cause to refer to you), just say the word.

I'm also considering adding the following to it:
A badger with a troubled past and nothing left to lose
An elephant who never forgets...to kill!
And a seldom used crab named Lucky, a.k.a. Citizen Snips

My Leasing Agent

Chuck and I are moving in a couple weeks to a deluxe apartment in the sky (well, 8th floor). It's a swanky happening pad, but getting all the paperwork done is a bit of a hassle. It's not that much...it's just that we can't get any questions answered by the space cadet leasing agent at the building. The following conversation summarizes it nicely:

Chuck: I dropped off the forms, but couldn't talk to [Leasing Agent]. Apparently she was busy, as always.
Me: She was probably off managing the series of disasters that is undoubtedly her life.

On the plus side, our new apartment is awesome (it better be, given the huge fraction of my income consumed by it). Everyone better come visit me. If you need some incentive:
1) We're conveniently located (see me for details)
2) We're across the street from a bookstore
2a) The bookstore apparently sells Godiva cheesecake
3) Chuck just bought a Nintendo Wii (which is almost as awesome for me)
4) My new couch has built-in recliners
5) I clearly won't want to leave, so it might be the only way you get to see me

My Response to Reader Comments I

I want to encourage reader comments, and I don't want readers to feel that their comments are going unread. I personally read every single comment at least once. So I want to take this opportunity to respond to a few that should be answered.

Rick Blaine - Thank you very much for the thoughtful contribution. I'm glad to know others are thinking about these issues too and that my readership isn't unanimously in favor of my staying away from serious topics. On a personal note, the entire Molten Boron community wishes you a speedy recovery. If you need anyone to manage your shady affairs during your convalescence, I'll gladly volunteer my services as an, ah, "investment manager" let's say.

Lizmonster - The NYTimes quote is funny because it reduces to the following "According to data compiled by Yale, Yale's the best." While I'm sure the data is accurate, it should always raise an eyebrow when the source and target of praise are one and the same. For example, according to this blogger, Nobody Does It Like Molten Boron is the best blog on the internet.

Barkeep - Yes, all of my titles are intentionally like Scrubs titles. Thanks for noticing. I like the convention, and it's a tribute to cleverness.

And finally, Chase - Anyone who actually thinks a Pittsburgh cheesesteak is better than a Philly cheesesteak is almost as dumb as the person I wrote about on April 15th. In the future, please smack anyone making such a claim with a large novelty fish.

If you'd like me to personally address you in a blog post, start commenting. I try to be responsive to suggestions and requests as well.

My Elegaic Wish

After September 11th, 2001, several of the more mild-mannered, observant, and eloquent participants in national discussions (mostly writers and columnists) noticed a marked lack of statesmen and citizens with the ability to adequately eulogize the events of 9/11. The memorial service for the Twin Towers consisted in part of readings from other famous speeches, words that comforted our nation in times of crisis before. While comforting, and providing a sense of continuity and a reminder that we will endure and thrive--as we always have--there's still something lacking. Today, in the wake of the Virginia Tech shootings and deaths, communities all over the country are again feeling that absence.

My friend Groucho's senior thesis is on how American Presidents have become celebrities instead of statesmen, and such an argument is sadly underscored and supported in times of tragedy. President Bush's words today at the Virginia Polytechnic Institute were somber and heartfelt, but generic and uninspired. Furthermore, the tone of the speech was overly religious--perhaps appropriate for many in the audience in front of him, but not for the national and more diverse audience of Americans, who live in a secular state and are bound together first and foremost by nationality.

Trying times call for great leaders, the kinds who are able to eulogize tragedy and lead us out of it. Lincoln reminding us that our founding father conceived of liberty and equality, refusing to let that vision perish from the Earth. Roosevelt being there for everyone on the day that lives in infamy. From Pericles' funeral oration, leaders have risen to greatness and legend with the right words for their people. Are there to be no more great statesmen in the American tradition?

The American people will come together after a terrorist attack. They'll pour their hearts into a devastated city. They'll be there for the victims of the worst shooting rampage in the nation's history. And maybe now that any self-righteous moron with a blog can put his words on the internet for all to see, a single voice to hold everyone's hand isn't as necessary as it once was. Maybe we don't need a Pericles to tell us of the valor of the fallen (especially when if the valor is great enough, someone will turn it into a movie). And maybe we don't need a Lincoln to remind us of our national roots when we could look them up on Wikipedia. And maybe a collective national consciousness and discussion is a better realization of our founding fathers' vision of true democracy than anything one man could create from a pulpit.

But it would still be nice if someone would emerge and give the fallen and the grieving the voice and comfort they deserve...and be the voice for the rest of us as well, for us to speak to those most affected, for us to speak to the world, and for us to speak to each other.

My Horse Comma If It Weren't For

So the other day I heard the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life. I'm seriously worried about getting an aneurysm. A highly educated student in my Healthcare Management class touted the following idea of his as the potential savior to all our country's healthcare woes: a single-payer system that is NOT run by the government, but by a for-profit company that could operate as if in a market. His argument is that it would be more efficient, because the government is inefficient and markets are efficient.

OK, so basically his idea would play out like this: everyone in America gets on the same private health insurance plan and one company is immediately granted a complete and absolute monopoly by the federal government and told to run things efficiently. It's about this time that anyone who hasn't realized it should be informed that the main reasons the government isn't as efficient as the private sector are: (1) the government has no competition and (2) the government isn't responsible to shareholders who care about money only and is free to make other things its priority. Yes, it has problems, but let's take a private company that cares first and foremost about profit, remove the competition, and put everyone's healthcare in its hands.

Picture yourself with the following insurance plan: your plan is run by the worst HMO in American history, except THIS time, it has guaranteed business and doesn't have to worry about any of its customers switching to another healthcare plan of any kind or from any other provider.

There's a REASON people get aneurysms. They hear stuff like that and their brains try to process it to the point of suicide or spontaneous combustion. The entire time this kid was talking I kept fantasizing about being able to do 2 things, picking my jaw up off the floor and--more importantly--beating him repeatedly with a 3-foot fish. Just getting a giant sea bass, gripping it by the tail, and wailing on him was the only thing that was going to satisfy me. Unfortunately, the good Lord saw fit not to bless me with even a novelty carp, and I was forced to sit there trying not to look too appalled or otherwise rude.

I was proud of myself for not saying anything, though. Sometimes I feel the need to explain how wrong someone is so that they might learn and the class might not take the dumb ideas seriously...but this was so catastrophically dumb I figured the former was a losing battle and the latter was unnecessary.

My kingdom for a large fish that makes a funny electronic thumpy sound effect when someone is beaten with it...

My Two Exams Tomorrow

So I have two finals tomorrow (later today now), and I just realized I haven't blogged in a while. I was actually writing a very interesting post (the one I mentioned in the last entry), but it got deleted when I crashed my computer trying to do too many things at once (a few dozen windows open, plus a big honking Excel model that used up every row in the spreadsheet, and another model I've been using to help in my apartment hunt).

Studying is really hard, mostly because the practice exams the professors posted are really easy (how do I study? how do I get motivated?). 25% of the Fixed Income practice final was actually FUN, because it involved a lot of graphs. I love graphs. I hope our exam is all graph-matching. Does that make me some kind of finance geek? I also had a class today I was going to skip in order to study, but a conversation with DeluxX quickly killed that idea. It's kind of sick to be in school and in a position where you have a choice between getting a better grade OR learning more (actually, that "or" should be an "xor" meaning Exclusive Or...I could only pick one). I went to class. The fact that it was WAY over my head (I missed last week for Passover) didn't diminish the pride I felt for setting my priorities.

Anyway, if something funny happens I'll post that. I guess seeing me eat a 2 foot long chicken cheesesteak to break passover would have been pretty funny, but it doesn't translate well into blog form.

At least I get a burger in between exams...

My Filler

I haven't posted in a while, so apologies to my avid readers (yeah yeah, both of you). I've doing research in my hiatus from blogging.

The first kind of research was for my math modeling applications in finance class. To complete my investigation, I built an Excel model so complicated that takes 26 seconds just to calculate the cell values (no macros--I had to turn automatic calculations off). Anyway, now I'm done with that--no more graded work for the class. Huzzah!

The second kind of research that kept me from blogging was research on my next blog topic. Stay tuned for an interesting bit of science journalism in a future post.

And while we're on the subject of research, congratulations to Cynara on finishing her thesis! Two years of research culminated in an all-nighter followed by 6 hours of printing this past Thursday/Friday--the end product being a 120 page book on an esoteric niche of Ming dynasty cultural history. My contribution was staying up with her and providing entertainment in the form of movies and hilarious suggestions for chapter titles. I know my limitations.

Anyway, since I didn't have anything funny, here's another joke from my Finance professor, who is fast becoming a minor personal hero of mine, because really hates investment bankers:

Why do Scientists prefer to experiment on Investment Bankers instead of the usual white rats?
1) There are more investment bankers
2) No one ever gets attached to an investment banker
3) There are some things even white rats won't do

#2 is my favorite. Sorry, Dad.

[Editor's Addendum: I think #2 would be funnier as "The scientists kept getting attached to the white rats" - thoughts?]

My New Mailbox

mailboxes.jpg

Take a look at the future. The United States Postal Service is helping celebrate the 30th Anniversary of Star Wars with these new R2-D2 mailboxes. Don't believe the rumors, and the confirmation by TheForce.net, the preeminent online Star Wars news source? Take a look at the trailer for this fast approaching campaign: http://www.uspsjedimaster.com/teaser/form.html

And if you don't believe that, just go to the US Postal Service's official website and watch Artoo roll around the screen.

R2-D2 is the perfect mascot for the United States Postal Service. He delivered the Death Star plans, against incredible odds, and did so in time to save the Rebellion. No greater courier exists in reality or mythology. It's a perfect partnership, and a way for the struggling USPS to attract some publicity, especially among a younger, cooler and retail-level audience. A good business decision on their part to be sure--and on the part of Star Wars? Well, that's just awesome (and also good publicity, and a way to keep the franchise the public consciousness even after the movies are all done). It's a great partnership, resulting in some awesome mailboxes and maybe some other stuff.

On a completely unrelated note, an African leader is claiming to have a cure for AIDS, which came to him in a dream (via his ancestors of course). Maybe dating Cynara is tempering my constant skepticism, or maybe it's just the scale of the potential rewards, but I'm actually hoping this works. I don't think it's a cure (or for that matter anything at all), but what if it helps combat the virus, even in some small way? I'm hoping there's something here, even though there's virtually no chance this 7-herb/spice concoction will live up to its creator's claims. Still...wouldn't it be great if it does? My main worry, however, is the same as everyone else's: he's giving people false hope. His reluctance to let people examine the concoction is a little troublesome...hopefully the scientific community will rush to debunk the wild claims and determine what--if any--uses this syrupy serum has.