My Future Toilet

This weekend I went down to the shore with Max Power to visit Cookie (two new additions to my Dramatis Personae), and her father's new toilet is just a slightly less powerful version of what I want in my dream house. For those of you who don't know, I have an extensive list of what goes into my dream house, and in the top five is "the Death Star of Toilets." I hate dealing with plumbing issues so much, I want a toilet that can suck an orange through a pinhole. At the very very least, a struggling adult male gopher should not be able to overcome its current. But why stop there? The toilet could have all sorts of other features...features that I discovered this weekend.

This toilet had a remote control. That's right, a remote control. And the control had TWENTY-SIX (that's 26) buttons on it. Features included:
-Flush button (much better than a lever I found, and harder to break or rust)
-Stop button (for any of the other features)
-Multiple toilet positions (2 seats up, all down, cover up/seat down)
-Very quiet running, and not just the features, the flush as well. Seriously, it's like a stealth toilet...it's like popping a squat on the Red Oktober's little brother
-A motion/proximity detector that lifts the seat up for you when it detects you in the right spot
-A seat warmer, with adjustable thermal controls
-Three different bidet settings (and yes, I tried it, just to say I had and so as not to miss out on one of life's experiences...it was weird, but I can still see how people get used to it)
-Air circulation options--this thing started gentle air currents circulating beneath me as soon as I sat down
-A dryer (I'm not going to go into details on this one, but use your imagination)
-And most useful for my "Death Star of toilets" critera: adjustable water pressure

And I didn't even get a chance to explore all of the options.

I think this toilet might be smarter than some people I went to school with...