My Completely Unoriginal Post

So I'm shamelessly copying this from a website that's essentially Confessions of a Former Blockbuster Employee, though the name isn't as imaginative or as cliched. (Here's a link)

#7 particularly caught my eye, and I wanted to share it with my readers and invite comments. If anyone is willing to TEST this, I REALLY want to see how it turns out.

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"Theft Is Bad"
Like many other corporate chains (Target and Wal-mart come to mind), Blockbuster must appear to despise shoplifting in all its shapes and forms, whilst doing pretty much nothing to stop it.

If you stuff eighteen DVDs, a Grand Theft Auto strategy guide, and a box of Red Vines into a backpack and walk out, congratulations – you’ve just committed the perfect crime. Even if the metal detector by the door goes off on your way out, you’re fine. Even if the security camera catches your face, you’re fine. Even if DVDs are literally poking out of your dungarees at the feet and waist, and even if every step you make is punctuated by the loud, repeated clapping of plastic case against plastic case, and even if an employee personally comes up to you and asks to see all the items you are carrying, once you leave the store you’ll still spend the rest of your arrest-free night watching your stolen copy of Red Dawn.

Blockbuster employees are trained not to stop, accuse, or pursue criminals, no matter what. This is partially for legal reasons (if a Blockbuster employee accuses a thief of stealing as per company policy and the thief shoots him, Blockbuster can be held accountable), but partially because Blockbuster doesn’t want to waste its time getting in battles with every two-bit pickpocket in the US. In the same way that videogame companies tend not to crack down on pirates, so too does Blockbuster ignore theft. Literally the only situation in which a Blockbuster employee can take any action against a thief is if the thief confesses to attempting to steal something. The BB theft response system quite literally punishes honesty – if someone admits to having stolen something, the employee is to immediately call the police and wait with the thief until their arrival, at which point said thief will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Yeah, that’ll fucking teach him to fess up and apologize.
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Please somebody try this and let me know how it goes.

DISCLAIMER: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME OR AT YOUR LOCAL BLOCKBUSTER. YOU'RE READING "NOBODY DOES IT LIKE MOLTEN BORON," THE BLOG THAT DOES NOT CONDONE THE COOL CRIME OF ROBBERY.

My Vote for Obama

I think it's safe to say that all the candidates for US President in 2008 have been extremely disappointing. Rudy thinks the constitution is a shackle for which we need to find more workarounds. McCain has sold out as a "Bush Republican" and has stopped being original so that he might appeal a little more broadly and not upset his party leaders. Hillary's a crook. Mitt has a stupid name (also he supports unreliable methods of torture that make us look bad internationally and are known to be unreliable and produce misinformation...and he's kind of a tool). Obama's the best of the lot, because there's nothing you can say about him. He's unobjectionable...but mostly because he hasn't DONE anything. Any accomplished state governor should be able to rip him to shreds. Obama, however, still might get my vote. And here's why:

Obama is the only candidate that has made a definitive statement that I wholeheartedly support. It happens to be a fashion statement, but in this presidential pre-race, I think we can agree that one can't afford to be picky.

On June 9th, the Wall Street Journal ran a fluff piece on "The Obama Look." Obama has made abold fashion statement, simultaneously full of leadership and comfort, by wearing suits without ties. I love suiting up, but I hate tightening an expensive noose around my only neck first thing in the morning, regardless of how impeccable my taste may be. I can get behind that, and if he gets elected president, I think the trend will catch on like wildfire. Tieless could be the new tuxedo, which would be fantastic--especially given how good I look in a blue suit without a tie.

While the other candidates have shown themselves to be the kinds of guys to steer our nation into a giant nose-dive, making our country one big plummeting metaphor headed inexorably for a crash site paved with the principles upon which their about-to-explode aircraft was founded, Obama would probably just be a lateral move. And if he pioneered a fashion trend that would make my fellow Americans and me more comfortable, he's got my vote. At least until something real comes along.

My Links 1

So there are going to be two new categories of posts: Links and Quotes. The former will be an annotated bibliography of interesting links I've found while procrastinating on the Internet that I think people will enjoy; the latter will just be funny quotes I've accumulated. I'm going to try to keep them ordered, so the posts all have unique titles, but if I fail or get too lazy to figure it out I'll just replace the number with an "X" and let you guys use the chronological post-lister on the right sidebar to figure it out. Anyway, without further adieu...

Breast Enlargement - Breast implants are now the top graduation gift in Italy. Statisticians are still trying to figure out what the girls are getting for their achievements.

For Hockey Fans - A list of Wayne Gretzky's 61 scoring records (with VERY few ties). I especially like the single reasons records where he's second to himself...or where you have to go down to sixth place to find a record holder for that category who isn't The Great One. Speaking of The Great One (which is the most impressive nickname I've ever heard), you know how sometimes reading about the accomplishments of a successful person can make you feel bad, like you haven't done enough? Reading about Wayne has the opposite effect, at least for me, because I know I didn't stand a chance. It makes me feel better, knowing the kind of guy I was up against, and I feel just fine with my simple life.

Pearls of Wisdom - By Dave Barry. I like the 14 Points format. It's reminiscent of Woodrow Wilson's 14 points, or the 14 features of fascism. 14's a great number for a list. I may have to make some 14 point lists for this blog.

Totally Unsurprising Obscure Futurama Reference - From "Mars University"
Professor: What device invented in the Twentieth Century allowed people to view broadcast programs in their own homes?
Fry: Oh, I know this…what do you call it…Lite Brite!

Why Terrorism Fails, Psychologically Speaking - This last one is by far the most interesting, though decidedly unfunny. The premise is very interesting: people tend to assume that the reason people do things is to create the immediate effects those things have. Terrorism doesn't work that way. Most terrorists have a political agenda, but civilian populations grow more and more resistant to their ideas as it becomes "clearer" that the terrorists hate everything they are and want to kill their children. Most terrorists would prefer NOT to kill children, but feel they have no choice in order to get fair treatment for their people. But since the effects of their actions are so horrifying, they get both the attention they weren't getting with words AND hostile judgments that render such endeavors effective only 7% of the time, according to this study. One thing the article leads out, however, is something I'd like to add here:

People are more likely to assume that the immediate consequence of an action was the motivation behind the action if the effects are very predictable. (Also, the fewer immediate effects there are, the surer someone will be. For example, if you close the door to a noisy hallway, people assume you closed it for quiet. But if you close the window to a noisy outdoor playground, you might have done it to keep the room at your preferred temperature.) Since terrorist acts have few immediate consequences that are very predictable, I feel this hypothesis is even stronger than the article's author gives it credit for. And since terrorists almost invariably have long-term goals not directly linked to causing terror in civilian populations, it means our judgments about them are often wrong (and that a smart terrorist-slash-freedom-fighter should alter his tactics).

My Single File Line

Cynara's been an instructor at a local gymnastics camp the past few weeks. And she noticed something, thinking it evidence of a generational gap. Children (campers) are referring to the act of taking a position in a single file line that isn't in the back and without permission as "busting." She had always referred to it as "cutting" in line. While I am familiar with her expression and not "busting," in first grade we called it "budging"--a term with which Cynara was unfamiliar. So I'm not yet convinced it means we're too old. I'd like to invite readers to comment on cutting in line. (Have you heard busting? What did you call it, how long ago, and where?) Furthermore, after the wildly popular fashion column written by my inner four-year old, I've invited my inner six year old to finish off this column with a few pointers and pet peeves about dealing with a single file line. So without further adieu, my inner five year old:

Rule #1: No cutting. Cutting is defined as taking a new and non-last place in a single file line without permission. This is the cardinal rule of single file lines, and if you can't handle it, you should be sent back to kindergarten or preschool. Every first grader is expected to follow this rule as if they were Starfleet officers following the Prime Directive, or girls so thoroughly following whatever unwritten rulebook makes them so confusing.

Rule #2: Permission for entering the single file line mid-file may be given in special cases. This is not cutting, but rather called "cutsies" [Adult Editor's Note: or at least it was in 1990 when I was in first grade]. Cutsies is when an established line member lets you into line directly next to them. There are limitations on cutsies, however, as described below.

Rule #3 (Vocabulary): Cutsies are divided into two categories, reflecting the one-dimensional nature of a single-file line. "Frontsies" are cutsies in front of the permission-granting party, and "backsies" are cutsies in back of the permission-granting party. Cutsies, frontsies and backsies are both singular and plural. More on this later.

Rule #4: Only one Cutsies may be granted per line member per line.

Rule #5: Recipients of Cutsies may NOT grant Cutsies in that line. Cutsies is discretionary privilege attained by getting one's spot the old fashioned way: earning it (much like Smith Barney). There are special exceptions to this rule, but usually it involves the rearranging of the line, and doesn't apply to newcomers.

Rule #6: Unless you have the express permission of the person behind you, NO BACKSIES. I cannot stress this enough. YOUR BACKSIE IS SOMEBODY ELSE'S FRONTSIE. Impromptu backsies is a SERIOUS breach of etiquette.

(Commentary on Rule the Sixth: Why not just have the person in back of you give frontsies? He might want to use his one someone else. Also, be aware, the people behind you in line may overrule a backsies anyway--see Rule the Eighth for details.)

Rule #7: No reciprocal frontsies. Reciprocal frontsies = backsies. And, as we've established, your backsie is someone else's frontsie.

Rule #8: The collective community behind you can overrule any Cutsies actions with a simple majority vote. If necessary, votes will be weighted based on appropriate metrics (sometimes that metric will be time spent in line, but more frequently it's weighted by ability to beat up the person offering Cutsies at recess. For the sake of your health and social life, never defy a two-thirds majority uproar.

While the more nuanced subtleties have been left out, this should prove a useful guide for your next experience in a single-file line of children.