My Wild Card Playoff Game

Kickoff in less than 4 hours. I figured I'd funnel my excitement into a fairly random blog post. With my main computer broken, I don't have a lot of better things to do that don't require pants.

Background for those of you who live on Mars: at 4:30 today, the Eagles host their division rival Giants in a first round playoff game. Winner advances--loser goes home and plans for next season.

The game is starting to affect my interactions with people...take these paraphrased snippets for example...
Chuck: Let's get wings for game.
Me: Yes, like the wings emblazened on the helmets of the team that will destroy your team. Very appropriate food.

Sheba: How come you're not going to the game?
Me: Well, I couldn't get tickets, and besides, Chuck [my Giants fan roommate] is going to need someone to hold him after the game. Normally anyone could tell he needed a hug--because he'd be crying--but I expect that by the time this is over, he won't have any tears left.

DeluxX: Why are you insane today?
Me: I'm not, but to someone not from Philadelphia, being an Eagles fan looks like insanity.

Hypothetical Person: What classes are you taking this semester?
Me: Ass Kicking 211 - Eagles Destroying Giants

People may say I'm going overboard. To those people, I say, read this:
http://www.philly.com/mld/philly/news/16396724.htm
THAT is going overboard.

If the Giants win, boy will my face be red. Fortunately, no matter what happens, I'll be happy at the end of the game because I'll get to see Cynara after 2+ weeks (she's like the Futurama of girlfriends...and if you don't "aw" at that, you obviously don't know me, but thanks for reading my blog anyway).

My Confession

Well, the hit counters are up and running on the side bar (unique hit counter tracks separate IPs I think, the other one just tracks total page loads). It's nice to see that I'm averaging over a half dozen hits per day (not counting my own pathetic checks to see if anyone posted a comment...). Unfortunately, that means it's confession time: the demand for my hilarious observations has now exceeded the supply. I'm not sure how to keep the readers happy. I just can't be hilarious all the time.

So I'm going to conduct a survey (and hopefully people will leave responses in the comments--you don't have to log in or do anything to be able to post!). If I can't think of something particularly hilarious or witty, what should I post? Vote for all that apply. Some suggestions [examples follow in brackets]:

•Quotes, particularly of a funny nature
[DeluxX, commenting on the pictures of Cynara and me: "Aw, you look so happy! And she looks so...why am I dating this guy? I mean, she's smiling, but you can tell it's fake. She's really thinking [puts finger-gun to head and makes three explosion noises]]

•Non-funny posts (observations, editorial rants, opinions, advocacy, shameless plugs)
[Hats off to you, boys of Boise State University. It remains in recent memory the time when your football team was not even Division I-A, and since joining the WAC you've accomplished the kind of escalation few teams in recent collegiate athletic history have been able to do. Enacting a real life underdog story on par with the actual Rudy and the fictitious Mighty Ducks, you went undefeated this entire football season, which culminated with a bowl game win against an established program from a Big 6 conference. With a team of high school recruits overlooked by every major program in the country, playing on laughably bright blue football astroturf, Boise State performed successive miracles all season, and in their bowl game, transforming moxy, heart and trick plays into a win for the ages. The only things missing were the Flying V and the star running back proposing to his cheerleader girlfriend minutes after making a gutsy game-winning play...oh wait, the latter happened.]

•Serious musings
[I believe at the heart of the Net Neutrality debate, there is one main underlying issue no one is considering: high transaction costs. To allow highly customizable internet service, and services betweeen companies like Internet Service Providers, backbone providers and media companies, would create a need for a staggering number of individual contracts and negotiations and highly variable cash flows and services from every participant in the market, including customers. To allow such a system to be implemented--especially one whose costs are not just in the startup phase but are a continuing economic friction on activity--one would need to see obvious and huge benefits of such a system. Since the debate is a close one in the absence of these consideration, the whole notion should be dismissed, and the kind of system that's been working should be legislated as mandatory. Discussion should be reopened if and only if someone can demonstrate significant societal benefits--in terms of aggregate wealth or a far more equitable distribution of wealth with little or no loss--of a more complicated system where Internet providers have variable control over content. Interestingly enough, after stating this position the first time, I was told I'm the very definition of conservative...despite the fact that my position totally looks out for the little guy and consumers and not big business. Interesting that I can be a conservative and a "good guy"...I wonder why Republicans on the hill haven't caught on yet.]

•Poetry
[I really can't
stand

the stupid poem
about

the red wheelbarrow
that

looks just like
this.]

•Updates on my life (think more traditional blog...I don't expect anyone to vote for this one)
[I'm returning to campus on Thursday. The Eagles are playing the Giants at 4:30, which will be awesome--party at my place. Not so much party as warzone perhaps...Giants fans can cry with my roommate Chuck while Eagles fans celebrate with me. Actually, Giants fans, just don't come. Save yourself three hours of pain and watch Gladiator, Lord of the Rings, Apollo 13, or the first half of Titannic instead.]

•Links to interesting websites
[www.addictinggames.com/hyperframe.html
I've been playing this logic game a LOT. It's very fun, addictive, and a great challenge for the brain. And it's easy enough that everyone can beat some levels, and hard enough that the Master levels will make almost anyone scratch their heads. Play on "Mind" not "Speed." I've figured out all 40 levels, so if it's driving you crazy and you want help or a hint, feel free to ask.]

•Write-In
[No example available; your idea here!]

•If you don't have something funny to say, don't say anything at all
[ ]

So please, vote! For as many as you like.
Quotes
Non-Funny Posts
Serious Musings
Poetry
Life Updates
Links
Write-In
If you don't have something funny to post, don't post anything at all

My Fifteen Minutes (I'm a Dilbert!)

I'm a Dilbert!

http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/dilbert-20061217.html

That comic is about me. It won't be available online forever, so apologies to future readers who can't access it.

Now, when I say it's about me, I don't mean the same thing happened to me. I mean that something happened to me; I sent the story in to Scott Adams as an example of a new management trend in need of mocking; and now the story is a Dilbert strip. I've been anonymously immortalized as one of many Dilberts, and I'm really getting a kick out of it. I'm considering buying a framed print of the strip so I can have it hanging in my office (if and when I get one). "Oh that Dilbert strip? Yeah, that's me."

I decided not to tell my boss that he's a Pointy Haired Boss. I don't think he'd be as excited as I am.

My Exercise Routine

So I want to get in shape, but I don't like working out. This has always been a problem for me. Until now. I think I've got the perfect solution, but it needs a little...fine tuning. After watching a lot of TV and movies (because I don't work out), I realized that the perfect way to get in shape without too much of a time investment is to exercise by montage. So every day I play some rock music from the 1980s as I go through a quick but rigorous routine of 5 seconds of jogging, punching the air 4 or 5 times, another 5 seconds of jogging (this time with panting), a push-up and a half, and finally, another 5 seconds of jogging after which I collapse and then get up to jump up and down triumphantly a few times.

So far, I'm not even close to being a world champion athlete. My workout routine is impeccable--sometimes I even add 3.25 jumping jacks to it. So I'm thinking: it has to be my music. Every movie character who gets totally jacked with a montage workout has some great music, and it's always different. Ergo, I'm on a search for my magical montage melody, that one perfect song which will--combined with my 2 minutes of exercise--mold me into an Olympian god.

At this point, I've managed to rule out the obvious: Eye of the Tiger, Don't Stop Believing, You're The Best Around, and anything from the soundtrack of Top Gun. I've even tried some less likely candidates, including Born to Run, C is for Cookie, and Bye Bye Bye. It's looking more and more like my personal magical montage melody is something I'd never expect--so I'm pursuing an aggressive strategy of expecting the unexpected. I'm going to start trying songs like That's What Girls Do, carnival music, My Heart Will Go On, and that Rockapella Folgers Coffee commercial. One of them is bound to work, and when it does, BAM, I'll be on my way to the Olympics. Probably for curling...it looks like it involves a lot of physics...

My Special Children

I love the Philadelphia Flyers. Even when they're losing. I went to a game the other day with my dad, and it was a little sad to see half the seats empty. Rangers fans were cheering for their winning team with impunity; I could walk around the concourse without squeezing through a veritable sea of fat Philadelphian; and PS, parking was ample.

So they suck. Big deal. I still love my Flyers, simply because they are my Flyers, much in the same way parents love their retarded children. When I look onto that ice at my beloved Philadelphia Flyers, I don't see a hockey team full of failures, but rather, I choose to view with the gaze of a proud parent cheering on his twenty-five children with downs syndrome who by some miracle formed a hockey team. Sure, their power play could be a bronze medal contender at the Special Olympics, but my ambitious retards reached for the stars, the highest level of competition--and for that, I applaud them.

So here's to you, Flyers. I want you to win, but I'll love you just as much just for trying your hardest. I'll cheer for your wins, and I'll cheer for your smaller victories--for not giving up goals on your own power plays, for being able to skate backwards, and for not drooling on the ice.

My Phone Call

So I was on the phone today when I was put on hold, and I was so impressed! They had a pianist all lined up to entertain me. The lady just put me on hold and handed me off to a quite skilled piano player who serenaded me while I awaited her return. It was quite a nice touch, if a little wasteful for the company. I mean, they could have just used a recordi...aaaaaaahhh...I see what they did there. Very clever.

My Request for Comments

To my loyal reader(s) [I won't make assumptions...]

You can post comments without having an account. I have set this up so anyone can post. If you don't have an account, it'll be anonymous, so please sign your name so I know who my audience is. Or don't. Whatever.

DeluxX gem of the evening: "why can't a guy lick a candy cane without everyone looking at him like he's gay?"

My Constraint

In February, Cynara has a gymnastics meet. I am, of course, planning to attend, but I have a bit of quandary regarding my...various demonstrations of support and encouragement. I'm a huge fan of Cynara, but I'm not used to being a gymnastics fan. At heart, I am an Eagles fan. So I'm trying to figure out how to support my gymnast of choice in an appropriate but exuberant manner. So far, I've come up with the following ideas which she has forbidden:
-Chanting
-Singing
-Bad Celebration Dancing
-Good Celebration Dancing (assuming I could learn how)
-Bringing her friends and spelling her name out across our chests, shirted or otherwise
-Signage of any size
-The Wave
-Face painting (this one was not a surprise)
-Yelling out letters that spell her name or her team name really loudly after something good happens (a la E - A - G -...)
-Yelling "sucks" when they announce someone else's name
-Booing. Period.
-The public rendition of a fight song I may or may not have begun composing
-Trying to get the crowd involved in anything, including, but by no means limited to, any of the above
And most disappointingly:
-Foam Fingers

What does that leave me? Golf-clapping? The occasional "woo" for an especially impressive feat? Maybe if I'm lucky I can shout "Go Cynara!" or "Yay!"

It seems like such a waste. She's going to have a hardcore Eagles fan in the stands, and receive none of the benefits that come with having such a die hard fan. As it stands now, I'll have to funnel all of my fan energy into normal clapping (I'm expecting to hurt my hands at this thing; I should probably bring some skincare products in case it goes into overtime...). But until then, I can funnel my energy into coming up with new ways to express fervent and unconditional support for her success and the decimation of her...rivals? opponents? enemies?...whatever they're called in gymnastics. I'd be grateful for any suggestions (or tales of experience as an actual gymnastics spectator) left in the comments.

Hit Counter?

If anyone knows how to add a hit counter to this thing, let me know. It'd be nice to see just how big of a waste of time this is. Plus I like data. I could even make a graph of hits over time. I make a lot of graphs...

Thought Experiment: How would one go about dressing up like Microsoft Excel (such as for Halloween)?

And yes, I already made a hilarious joke about "modeling" the outfit.

SLEDGEHAMMER

So EDGE is a modern technology acronym used in the wireless services industry that stands for "Enhanced Data rates for Global Evolution." I call BS on that. They obviously just wanted an "EDGE Network" to inspire associations with being on the cutting edge. You can make up a decent acronym for almost anything. Upon sharing this insight with a classmate, I was told no way, it's harder than it looks to make up decent acronyms. So I came up with my counterexample, on the spot (with an assist from my roommate, who was sitting next to me, on the last letter):
SLEDGEHAMMER:
Synergy Leveraging Enhanced Data rates for Global Evolution with Heirarchical Access to Multi-Media Entertainment Resources.

Kind of sounds like a wireless YouTube, doesn't it? Other possible technology acronyms:
EVENTs
Enhanced Video Exchange Network Tools
BIRDNEST
Bridged Inter-Relational Database Networks for Enterprise Systems' Transactions
AMANDA
Alternative Multiplexing Approach to Network Data Acquisition

Etc. I'm going to bed.