My Exercise Routine

So I want to get in shape, but I don't like working out. This has always been a problem for me. Until now. I think I've got the perfect solution, but it needs a little...fine tuning. After watching a lot of TV and movies (because I don't work out), I realized that the perfect way to get in shape without too much of a time investment is to exercise by montage. So every day I play some rock music from the 1980s as I go through a quick but rigorous routine of 5 seconds of jogging, punching the air 4 or 5 times, another 5 seconds of jogging (this time with panting), a push-up and a half, and finally, another 5 seconds of jogging after which I collapse and then get up to jump up and down triumphantly a few times.

So far, I'm not even close to being a world champion athlete. My workout routine is impeccable--sometimes I even add 3.25 jumping jacks to it. So I'm thinking: it has to be my music. Every movie character who gets totally jacked with a montage workout has some great music, and it's always different. Ergo, I'm on a search for my magical montage melody, that one perfect song which will--combined with my 2 minutes of exercise--mold me into an Olympian god.

At this point, I've managed to rule out the obvious: Eye of the Tiger, Don't Stop Believing, You're The Best Around, and anything from the soundtrack of Top Gun. I've even tried some less likely candidates, including Born to Run, C is for Cookie, and Bye Bye Bye. It's looking more and more like my personal magical montage melody is something I'd never expect--so I'm pursuing an aggressive strategy of expecting the unexpected. I'm going to start trying songs like That's What Girls Do, carnival music, My Heart Will Go On, and that Rockapella Folgers Coffee commercial. One of them is bound to work, and when it does, BAM, I'll be on my way to the Olympics. Probably for curling...it looks like it involves a lot of physics...