My Review of the American Gladiators Finale

Eight weeks ago 24 hopeful gladiators set out on a journey that would test their physical limits. Tonight, two men and two women stand poised to face off, vying for the simple title of “Champion.”

This will be, by far, my longest post ever, since it will be a free-associating unedited running commentary and play-by-play. I have no idea how it will turn out. It might be bad. If you’re not interested, I highly recommend you skip this post. I’ll be back to my usual commentary, humor, analysis, ideas and stories soon enough.

A youth counselor. A sales clerk. A high school teacher. A soccer mom. These are the contenders on the brink of money, fame, a new car, a title, and undying glory.

Chuck and I are pulling for Monica, the soccer mom, in the women’s competition. She’s nice, friendly, positive, and fun-loving, thriving in and on this competition and shattering the stereotypes of being “just a mom.” This is Super Mom, one of many unappreciated American heroes who collectively do far more for us, whose efforts have a more positive impact, than every actor, athlete, member of Congress and other so called leaders and “role models” put together. [Chuck: “It also helps that she’s cute.”]

In the men’s competition, we’re pulling for Alex, the high school teacher and wrestling coach who doesn’t want the money for himself—but for his school’s athletic programs. He’s doing it for his kids, proving that anything’s possible and showing that putting greater things above oneself can unlock the potential of that self.

Alex’s opponent, Evan, is bigger, younger, faster, and most importantly his abilities are perfectly tailored for the Eliminator, the final, and by far the most important, event. Monica’s opponent, Shanay, is a little too intense and annoying. [Chuck, watching her lift an interviewer: “She also has a history of abusing newscasters…but it’s not like we don’t like her; we just like Monica more.”]

They’ve added interviews and backstories for the final contestants—which helps them fill the two hours. [Chuck: “We’re 15 minutes into the show, and not a single competition has happened yet.” Lots of commercials though.]

Ladies’ Event 1: Hang Tough: The ladies take turns trying to get from one platform to another by swinging from rings suspended high above a pool of water while a gladiator tries to take them down. In this case, Siren is the opponent. (Side note: I think Siren’s the cutest female gladiator, but Chuck has a crush on Crush.) Siren quickly got a hold of Monica and took her down, but Monica is still good spirited. This raises an interesting question of long-term strategy: if a gladiator’s hanging on, do you fight? Or should you not tire yourself out given how many more events are ahead of you? Your odds of winning are virtually none, and a tie only gets you 5 points. I say just drop, but then again, I like Excel and these fierce contenders like exercising. Shanay is downright terrible at this event tonight, barely able to swing from ring to ring. Siren made quick work of her using her “powerful legs” (as observed by one of our hosts for the evening, the famous and infamous Hulk Hogan).

Men’s Event 1: Hang Tough: In this one, the guys have to go up against Wolf, the gladiator with the most personality. His animal persona, beast-like attitude, and hilarious comic-book like taunts. In the first episode, when told he was mean “up there” (in this event) he announced, “I’m mean everywhere!” and wandered off. Alex got past him in a prior episode, but Wolf got the best of him tonight. Wolf slipped, however, when facing Evan, who, though shocked, managed to get to the other side for 10 points. [Chuck: “Evan’s ‘flail like a fish strategy’ pays off.” Hulk Hogan agrees: “You looked like a monkey who couldn’t find his banana.”]

[Chuck: “It’s been 45 minutes and we’ve gone through all of one competition for each gender.”]

Ladies’ Event 2: Assault: A gladiator in front of a large target fires tennis balls at contestants, who run from projectile to projectile. If hit, the contestant leaves. If they stay alive for a minute, the contestant gets 5 points. If the contestant hits the target, the gladiator is subjected to a fireworks-escorted launching into a pool of water. Shanay used my strategy to start, and didn’t even try with the slingshot (the first projectile). It’s almost impossible to get a hit with it, and it takes a lot of time. After firing a token shot, however, she screwed up later and got hit. She started out smart, but didn’t keep her head in the game. Energy and athleticism don’t make up for bad decisions and overly rushed aiming. WOW! Monica just hit the target with the slingshot! Out of nowhere, doing what no one has ever done before, she hit the target with a slingshot, and Hellga got dunked. Monica in an interview: “Work smarter not harder!” I am THOROUGHLY impressed. [Chuck: “That just happened.”] Monica’s stock is rising, and receives 10 points to Shanay’s 3.

Men’s Event 2: Assault: Alex shows his sense of humor by mock-throwing the slingshot ball. His slingshot attempt predictably misses, and then he gets hit. This wasn’t so much a bad run by Alex, but amazing sharp-shooting by Justice and some bad luck. Evan manages to hit the target with the second device, the turret, using my strategy of spending lots and lots of time lining up the perfect shot (this station comes with cover and is by far the easiest to aim). Evan wins points because he’s competing in part to honor the memory of his deceased mother, but he needs to calm down when he talks.

Ladies’ Event 3: Joust: The quintessential American Gladiators event pairs contestants up with Crush, Chuck’s gladiator crush. Two combatants. Two elevated platforms. Two large sticks with big padded cylinders on the end. Last one standing wins. Monica’s head took a beating as soon the whistle blew, but managed to stay in until there were less than 2 seconds remaining. Were the event 28.3 seconds long, she’d have had a 5 point draw. But the ever-positive and good-spirited soccer mom finishes out with zero. Though her body is soaked, her spirit is far from doused, as evidenced by her jubilant post-joust interview with Hulk. She’s got her eye on the prize, and her disposition seems to surpass even what one would expect from a champion: she acts like a champion living her dream. (Shanay managed to hang on for 5 points, though she landed on her butt, for which a gladiator was once declared the loser. Different rules for the two combatants, or did the judges not notice or not call it soon enough? If the rules are different, I still say the dominant strategy is to hug the platform, as nothing the gladiator’s allowed to do could knock you off from that position.)

Men’s Event 3: Joust: Titan, who reminds me of Cyclops the X-man in his clean-cut good-looking team spokesperson role, will be the enormous opponent dwarfing our intrepid, though comparatively diminutive, contestants. The last time he fought Evan, he knocked Evan off with one hit. This time, it took almost a full 20% of the time it took me to type that last sentence to drop Evan in the drink. [Chuck: “Evan’s problem is that he told Titan his strategy before facing him.] To Evan’s credit, he did double the number of hits he took compared to last time. Alex, now behind 20-1, remains behind 20-1, though he lasted more than twice as long and kept his good spirits, admitting his tiny size gave him virtually no chance. Knowing physics can only get you so far against a guy who has twice the mass, twice the reach, and four times the strength.

Women’s Event 4: The Pyramid: Our heroes try to hit a button at the top of an Agro-Crag style pyramid made out of gym mats and cushions while gladiators try to stop them. Both contests go at once, with one gladiator assigned to each. If they can get above a dotted line, they get 5 points. Hitting the button ends the competition with a reward of 10 points. This actually looks like a LOT of fun, because people throw each other all over the place and off of pyramids, meanwhile everything is so soft and padded that the contestants would be laughing were it not for the excruciating agony of failure, which hurts more than any ankle sprain of concussion ever could. Good spirits and the right attitude are the best long-range weapon in this competition, which means Monica has an edge. These gladiators leave both contestants scoreless, and Chuck and I especially enjoyed the part where Crush kept throwing Shanay. She looked frustrated.

Men’s Event 4: Pyramid: If Alex can’t score points here, Evan’s lead going into the Eliminator, where points translate into a head start, may be insurmountable, especially given Evan’s talent for the event. Our second favorite male gladiator, Toa, is paired up against Evan. Toa’s cousin is none other than The Rock, and Toa frankly has more brawn and personality in his laugh than Mr. Rock has in his whole so-called-acting career. Dressed like a ceremony-performing island-dweller, Toa shouts “It’s my volcano!” while Alex gets past the dotted line to ensure a 5 point minimum. I personally think Alex’s dominant strategy here is to just impede Evan rather than going for the win. Oh well, Evan finishes scoreless anyway.

Ladies’ Event 5: The Wall: Contestants have a head start climbing a rock wall. Gladiator’s follow and try to pull them off. First one to the top gets 10 points, second gets 5, getting dunked in the water below results in a goose-egg, as well as the chance the crowd will chance “nananana nananana heyheyhey goodbye.” Also, that looks ridiculous when typed out. Monica and Shanay are close, and the gladiators are close to both of them. Shanay wasn’t paying attention and had her foot grabbed, meanwhile Monica sidestepped danger and scampered up the final quarter for 10 points. Shanay just barely hangs on for 5. Monica gives a happy, giggly, and very straightforward interview. Shanay uses terrible analogies, and not in the funny-on-purpose way. Going into the Eliminator, Monica’s 20-13 score gives her a 3.5 second head start.

Men’s Event 5: The Wall: [Chuck: “I feel like this was rigged against Alex.”] He’s got a point. Alex has a sense of humor about it, but all of these events favor Evan’s skills, whereas events like Quake, Hit and Run, the Gauntlet and Powerball favor Alex’s. Either this is by design, or Alex has the unluckiest random event-selection possible. Bee Tee Double-you, it turns out that Alex is a rock climbing instructor who’s been climbing for years. No surprise, he breaks a record to score 10 points, but Alex still beats his gladiator for 5. Evan’s 19 point lead (and 9.5 second head start) will probably be decisive in the Eliminator, as it’s an event that favors Evan even without a point differential.

MEN’S ELIMINATOR: This is it. Winner gets a cool hundred grand, an SUV, and the chance to come back as an American Gladiator next season. The men are going first, and Chuck surmises that this is because it’s not a very exciting race (at least compared to the women’s race). Given Evan’s 9.5 second head start, I’m inclined to agree with his speculation as to why the pattern was broken. Evan’s talking about how much his mother taught him and his family about commitment, serving others, and perseverance.

Could it be that the theme for this season of American Gladiators will be motherhood? We could very well be looking at two champions, one there because of and to honor his mother, the other there as a soccer mom living her dream and showing her kids, and kids everywhere, that they really can do anything.

Folks, this one was never even close. Evan shatters his own eliminator record, and combining that with his 9.5 second head start, he wins by a wide margin. He credits his mother with the inspiration and motivation to do this. He dug deep, thought of her, and conquered what may be the world’s most famous obstacle course race. Alex finishes out with a great attitude, ready to “go back to [his] classroom with his head held high.” I’m sure he’ll still be a hero to them as he goes back to being an average every-day hero, teaching history and coaching wrestling.

WOMEN’S ELIMINATOR: Monica is excited, feeling blessed, and happy. She’s also amused by her kids’ advice (backseat gladiatoring?). This has drama: Monica has a 3 second head start, while Shanay’s best time is 3 seconds faster than Monica’s.

Monica starts off by climbing over the wall without even using the rope. Good for her. Shanay’s close behind, but Monica’s leap seems to have extended her lead to almost 5 seconds (I estimate). Shanay closes the gap on the cargo-net climb to a mere 1 second. Shanay’s upper body strength seems to be failing, as Monica pulls away on the hand-bike. Monica beats Shanay to the top of the pyramid, and hits the Travelator first. Both women slip a little on the 45 degree fast moving treadmill, but Shanay slides down while Monica holds on, bursting through the wall to become the American Gladiators Champion! Go Monica! Her husband and daughters run out to congratulate her, and she introduces them to her adoring fans, who will have the chance to stay her fans as she becomes the next American Gladiator. Her husband on being married to a gladiator: “I’d better watch my back at home a little more…”

The story of the season: In a battle that included personal trainers, doctors, United States Marines, and plenty of athletes, a soccer mom has become the American Gladiators Champion. She’s the kind of role model I’d want my daughters to look up to, and the first example I’d bring up (along with my own mother) to confront any stereotypes about a stay-at-home soccer mom. And to any readers out there who want to be a full-time mom but feel like you should be something else (or something “more”), to you I say look at Monica. She was just as awesome before American Gladiators proved it to the world, and she clearly proves that being a soccer mom doesn’t cut off your possibilities. I know there are a few of you out there, and I believe there are more than I know.

Cheesy (and ergo appropriate for American Gladiators) moral: follow your dreams.