My Ridiculous Superbowl Hopes

First Tiger and I have high hopes for this year's Superbowl. It all starts with a matchup between the undefeated New England Patriots, led by pretty-boy quarterback Tom Brady, and the Green Bay Packers, led by the legendary Brett Favre. The following is quite ridiculous, and is provided as support for our theory that, if we wanted to, we could easily fill in for the Hollywood writers currently on strike. (Some links are provided to explain things or give further information. Other links are to illustrations to help storyboard this thing in your mind.)

Allow me to paint you a picture with our imagination brush:

Our ideal Superbowl starts with an early Pats lead, thus deepening their eventual humiliation. The third quarter opens with a series of Packers touchdowns in quick succession--all thrown by Brett Favre himself. This series of touchdowns starts off as a come-from-behind effort full of moxie, and turns into utter domination. Then Tom Brady gets his turn at some comeback heroics, but falls tragically short when he needs to run the ball and gets brutally upended by the Packers defense. At this point, he begins to regret all the mean and cocky things he said before the game started about how great he was.

During a postgame interview with the winning quarterback, Brady trudges, helmet in hand, dejectedly off the field. Brett sees this out of the corner of his eye and says "excuse me one moment." In another feat of amazing athleticism, Favre launches a football high into the air and says "NOW I can retire happily." The interviewer remains confused, until the ball lands--hitting Tom squarely in the back of the head. Stumbling forwards, he hits Bill Belichick, the Pats head coach found guilty of cheating earlier this season, who breaks his hip in the ensuing fall.

CRASH! Both player and coach are on the ground, and as cameras and medical personnel rush over to the sidelines, they see what spilled out of Bill's ridiculous hoodie (that never fooled anyone about how fat he was anyway). It's a collection of miniature but powerful cameras! He didn't stop cheating at all, he just got better at it! Well, as they say in Mexico and certain part of Florida, no mas! Incontrovertible proof that will surely result in heavy penalties for the Patriots, as well as asterisks after--if not outright denial and rejection of--the records they set this season.

But wait! What's this next to the video equipment? It's two syringes full of steroids, one labeled "Brady" and the other "Moss!"

Then in a moment reminiscent of last year's legendary Fiesta Bowl, Mrs. Favre--inexplicably dressed like a cheerleader--runs down to the field to give her husband a big kiss. At this point she reveals that Brett's mail got mixed up with Tom's--and produces a giant stack of homosexual pornography!

Meanwhile, Ian Johnson, hero of last year's Fiesta Bowl, happens to be randomly on the field with his wife, Chrissy, who announced she's pregnant! Confetti falls.

During that announcement, Brady's Victoria's Secret lingerie model girlfriend, Gisele Bundchen, has made her way down to the field to announce that in light of recent events, she's leaving him, and--though disappointed that First Tiger and myself are taken--thinks she'll be very happy with Chuck, my roommate.

And just as things start to quiet down, Eagles running back Brian Westbrook and former Heisman Trophy winner Troy Smith--who have been in the audience the whole time--come onto the field as well, announcing that they've put their heads together and discovered the whereabouts of the wildly unpopular Osama bin Laden. It turns out their predictions are correct, and minutes later the terrorist mastermind is found with several other illegal immigrants in Tom Brady's basement! Oh no!

And to cap off the evening, all of the sudden a group of people HALO drop into the middle of the field! It's Al Gore, with his team of Vice Presidential Action Rangers, asking all of America to write in votes for the former Vice President and actual winner of the 2000 Presidential Election on Super Tuesday--just two days later.

Two days later, Al Gore wins in a landslide.