My Fifteen Minutes (I'm a Dilbert!)

I'm a Dilbert!

http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/dilbert-20061217.html

That comic is about me. It won't be available online forever, so apologies to future readers who can't access it.

Now, when I say it's about me, I don't mean the same thing happened to me. I mean that something happened to me; I sent the story in to Scott Adams as an example of a new management trend in need of mocking; and now the story is a Dilbert strip. I've been anonymously immortalized as one of many Dilberts, and I'm really getting a kick out of it. I'm considering buying a framed print of the strip so I can have it hanging in my office (if and when I get one). "Oh that Dilbert strip? Yeah, that's me."

I decided not to tell my boss that he's a Pointy Haired Boss. I don't think he'd be as excited as I am.

My Exercise Routine

So I want to get in shape, but I don't like working out. This has always been a problem for me. Until now. I think I've got the perfect solution, but it needs a little...fine tuning. After watching a lot of TV and movies (because I don't work out), I realized that the perfect way to get in shape without too much of a time investment is to exercise by montage. So every day I play some rock music from the 1980s as I go through a quick but rigorous routine of 5 seconds of jogging, punching the air 4 or 5 times, another 5 seconds of jogging (this time with panting), a push-up and a half, and finally, another 5 seconds of jogging after which I collapse and then get up to jump up and down triumphantly a few times.

So far, I'm not even close to being a world champion athlete. My workout routine is impeccable--sometimes I even add 3.25 jumping jacks to it. So I'm thinking: it has to be my music. Every movie character who gets totally jacked with a montage workout has some great music, and it's always different. Ergo, I'm on a search for my magical montage melody, that one perfect song which will--combined with my 2 minutes of exercise--mold me into an Olympian god.

At this point, I've managed to rule out the obvious: Eye of the Tiger, Don't Stop Believing, You're The Best Around, and anything from the soundtrack of Top Gun. I've even tried some less likely candidates, including Born to Run, C is for Cookie, and Bye Bye Bye. It's looking more and more like my personal magical montage melody is something I'd never expect--so I'm pursuing an aggressive strategy of expecting the unexpected. I'm going to start trying songs like That's What Girls Do, carnival music, My Heart Will Go On, and that Rockapella Folgers Coffee commercial. One of them is bound to work, and when it does, BAM, I'll be on my way to the Olympics. Probably for curling...it looks like it involves a lot of physics...

My Special Children

I love the Philadelphia Flyers. Even when they're losing. I went to a game the other day with my dad, and it was a little sad to see half the seats empty. Rangers fans were cheering for their winning team with impunity; I could walk around the concourse without squeezing through a veritable sea of fat Philadelphian; and PS, parking was ample.

So they suck. Big deal. I still love my Flyers, simply because they are my Flyers, much in the same way parents love their retarded children. When I look onto that ice at my beloved Philadelphia Flyers, I don't see a hockey team full of failures, but rather, I choose to view with the gaze of a proud parent cheering on his twenty-five children with downs syndrome who by some miracle formed a hockey team. Sure, their power play could be a bronze medal contender at the Special Olympics, but my ambitious retards reached for the stars, the highest level of competition--and for that, I applaud them.

So here's to you, Flyers. I want you to win, but I'll love you just as much just for trying your hardest. I'll cheer for your wins, and I'll cheer for your smaller victories--for not giving up goals on your own power plays, for being able to skate backwards, and for not drooling on the ice.

My Phone Call

So I was on the phone today when I was put on hold, and I was so impressed! They had a pianist all lined up to entertain me. The lady just put me on hold and handed me off to a quite skilled piano player who serenaded me while I awaited her return. It was quite a nice touch, if a little wasteful for the company. I mean, they could have just used a recordi...aaaaaaahhh...I see what they did there. Very clever.

My Request for Comments

To my loyal reader(s) [I won't make assumptions...]

You can post comments without having an account. I have set this up so anyone can post. If you don't have an account, it'll be anonymous, so please sign your name so I know who my audience is. Or don't. Whatever.

DeluxX gem of the evening: "why can't a guy lick a candy cane without everyone looking at him like he's gay?"

My Constraint

In February, Cynara has a gymnastics meet. I am, of course, planning to attend, but I have a bit of quandary regarding my...various demonstrations of support and encouragement. I'm a huge fan of Cynara, but I'm not used to being a gymnastics fan. At heart, I am an Eagles fan. So I'm trying to figure out how to support my gymnast of choice in an appropriate but exuberant manner. So far, I've come up with the following ideas which she has forbidden:
-Chanting
-Singing
-Bad Celebration Dancing
-Good Celebration Dancing (assuming I could learn how)
-Bringing her friends and spelling her name out across our chests, shirted or otherwise
-Signage of any size
-The Wave
-Face painting (this one was not a surprise)
-Yelling out letters that spell her name or her team name really loudly after something good happens (a la E - A - G -...)
-Yelling "sucks" when they announce someone else's name
-Booing. Period.
-The public rendition of a fight song I may or may not have begun composing
-Trying to get the crowd involved in anything, including, but by no means limited to, any of the above
And most disappointingly:
-Foam Fingers

What does that leave me? Golf-clapping? The occasional "woo" for an especially impressive feat? Maybe if I'm lucky I can shout "Go Cynara!" or "Yay!"

It seems like such a waste. She's going to have a hardcore Eagles fan in the stands, and receive none of the benefits that come with having such a die hard fan. As it stands now, I'll have to funnel all of my fan energy into normal clapping (I'm expecting to hurt my hands at this thing; I should probably bring some skincare products in case it goes into overtime...). But until then, I can funnel my energy into coming up with new ways to express fervent and unconditional support for her success and the decimation of her...rivals? opponents? enemies?...whatever they're called in gymnastics. I'd be grateful for any suggestions (or tales of experience as an actual gymnastics spectator) left in the comments.

Hit Counter?

If anyone knows how to add a hit counter to this thing, let me know. It'd be nice to see just how big of a waste of time this is. Plus I like data. I could even make a graph of hits over time. I make a lot of graphs...

Thought Experiment: How would one go about dressing up like Microsoft Excel (such as for Halloween)?

And yes, I already made a hilarious joke about "modeling" the outfit.

SLEDGEHAMMER

So EDGE is a modern technology acronym used in the wireless services industry that stands for "Enhanced Data rates for Global Evolution." I call BS on that. They obviously just wanted an "EDGE Network" to inspire associations with being on the cutting edge. You can make up a decent acronym for almost anything. Upon sharing this insight with a classmate, I was told no way, it's harder than it looks to make up decent acronyms. So I came up with my counterexample, on the spot (with an assist from my roommate, who was sitting next to me, on the last letter):
SLEDGEHAMMER:
Synergy Leveraging Enhanced Data rates for Global Evolution with Heirarchical Access to Multi-Media Entertainment Resources.

Kind of sounds like a wireless YouTube, doesn't it? Other possible technology acronyms:
EVENTs
Enhanced Video Exchange Network Tools
BIRDNEST
Bridged Inter-Relational Database Networks for Enterprise Systems' Transactions
AMANDA
Alternative Multiplexing Approach to Network Data Acquisition

Etc. I'm going to bed.

Put THAT in your cake hole and pipe it!

Well, I'm mostly posting because Lizmonster said I should. Apparently she subscribes to the "if you build it, [t]he[y] will come" school of thought on blogging. Given the number of blogs out there, I'd tend to disagree...you can't even use that with casinos anymore, much less blogs (significant and relevant differentiation is required).

Anyway, I'd just like to take this opportunity to announce that my younger brother's makeshift trash-talking elision of an interjectory (if that's not a word it is now) taunt "Put THAT in your cake hole and pipe it!" has now spread to Boston. The expression comes from a combination of "put that in your pipe and smoke it" and "shut your cake hole" mixed with a healthy inability to play ping-pong and trash-talk at the same time. The expression was most recently uttered by PiFry's girlfriend's mother (I'm going to need to start giving people aliases if I'm going to update this thing...) upon winning an argument with her youngest daughter. PiFry has since called his proud brother to tell him the good news.

[Addendum: the brother in this post was DeluxX, the elder of the two younger brothers I have. The post was written before I assigned pseudonyms.]

If you're reading this...

If you're reading this blog, please leave a comment, or let me know via some other means. I'd like to know if I have an audience, who that audience is, and if you have the time, what that audience wants to read and doesn't want to read.

Here's some substance:

www.steorn.net

An Irish company claims to have invented/discovered a source of free energy. And not just costless energy, but "free energy" from the scientific standpoint--the creation of energy from essentially nothing. That flies in the face of the principle of energy conservation, a fairly well-established law of physics. It wouldn't be the first time a Law was proven wrong (see: Newton's Law of Gravity), but this would be quite the shattering breakthrough.

So what is this thing? Is it really a source of free energy that could replace all other kinds of fuel and power generation? Is it not, but the makers believe it is? What else could it be? Here are some possibilities:

Investment Ploy - "We're acting VERY confident in our product. We even took out a 160,000 dollar ad in The Economist challenging scientists to prove us wrong. We have a magnetic motor. It's fancy and involves magnets and math, two things you don't understand. Look into purchasing some stock at or shortly after our IPO."

Marketing Ploy - "Wouldn't that be nice if this were true. Now that we have your attention, buy an Xbox 360." (It WAS mentioned on a Microsoft website kind of out of the blue...but on the other hand, it IS a really cool idea.)

Activism - "Look how excited you got over the prospect of free energy. Wouldn't it be worth a little effort to get cheaper, cleaner, more efficient energy? A step in this direction would be better than nothing."

Prank - "Hahah, we're in college. And since we're liberal arts majors, we've got a lot of free time on our hands."

This blog is brought to you by...

Glagnar's Human Rinds. It's a buncha muncha cruncha human.

So I made myself an account so I could comment on other peoples' accounts. I haven't really thought about what I'd put in my own blog, but it comes free with the account (which is itself free), so I figure I might as well have SOMETHING here. So far, I'm thinking ramblings about what I'd like to eat and Futurama references, but who knows--it might get deeper than that someday.

In the spirit of this blog, I'd like to begin by saying I'm looking forward to contributing to the ever-expanding useless droning currently clogging the internet. Here goes:

"In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces." -Zapp Brannigan

And I'm hungry, but I don't feel like moving. Maybe delivery? I could go for some chicken.
"Yeah, uh, I like your food, just not enough to go down there and get it." -Jim Gaffigan

If you'd like a pseudonym for when I tell stories about you on this blog--and if you do something hilariously embarrassing I just might--let me know. We'll come up with something good for you.