My Four Year Old Fashion Column

Fashion Advice from my Inner Four Year Old:
1.) Orange shirts with red shorts are the new red shirts with orange shorts.

2.) Underwear is never inappropriate. Not as an undergarment, and not as a headdress.
2a.) Pulled down over ones face, with only the fly through which to see, certain kinds of underwear also make nice mummy masks.

3.) Contrary to popular belief, belts are not meant to keep your pants up. That's a myth. Belts are meant to help you hold things, like swords and laser guns and tools and tricorders and spy equipment. Elastic is meant to keep your pants up.

4.) You may have 3 pairs of shoes. Sneakers, boots, and "nice." Any more than that and you're a girl.

5.) In the absence of facial hair, facial chocolate is acceptable.

6.) Tying sneakers is a practice meant to help keep sneakers attached to feet. If tying them is unnecessary to accomplish that purpose, then it's unnecessary.

7.) Changing in the middle of the day--regardless of events--is for fashion models, stage actors, and Halloween.

8.) Messy is the new combed.

9.) Adding a tie to any shorts-and-t-shirt outfit is a great was to bring class and style to a nice dinner out with the family.

10.) Capes never go out of style. Never.

My End of the World

So apparently I missed BLITEOTW Day, or Blog Like It's The End Of The World Day, which was June 13th.

Now, it actually WILL be the end of the world for Office Depot if I don't get my desk, the absence of which is the main contributing factor to my lack of blogging. Things have been busy, and I've been working from my laptop since said desk, which I ordered on May 25th, still hasn't arrived. The order status says "delivered" but as I found out today, that apparently means they delivered it to UPS, who will deliver it to me (and I don't have a tracking number for it anymore, since it's out of Office Depot's hands).

I'm not really sure how one would go about blogging like it's the end of the world, but the BLITEOTWD organizers have helped bloggers out a little by imposing the "Zombie" theme. So as I look out my fictional window, I'm seeing humanity devoured by brain eating zombies. Fantastic. They totally deserve it. Especially those people who were responsible for getting me my desk on time (in the 1-10 day delivery window suggested by the company). They'll be the first up against the wall when the Zombie revolution comes, because not only are they jerks, but their brains should be plump and fertile, with clearly untouched and unused virgin gray matter ripe for the Zombie plucking.

In the midst of a global Zombie uprising, I think I'd buy oil stocks. You might think that I'd be shorting oil stocks, since people would be afraid to go out, but that would only last a month or two and you KNOW the oil companies would use the Zombie scare as a reason to hike prices for at least a year. So if humanity came out of the Zombie uprising OK, then I'd be rich. And if we didn't, well, my portfolio wouldn't be worth much anyway. In fact, the entire economy would probably collapse as people started trading hundreds of thousands of pork bellies for a single pork brain. It'd be like a bank run...but with brains instead of currency.

Speaking of bank runs, I had a great time in Boston this weekend with Cynara's family. How does that relate to bank runs? Cynara's father's favorite movie is "It's A Wonderful Life," which apparently has a bank run in it as a crucial plot device. I've never seen it, but I expect that will change.

Work starts Monday. I may have funny stories from there, but hopefully I won't have anything worthy of a Dilbert strip again.

My Funny Pictures

So I spent some time at www.thefuniest.info, and I thought I'd share a few of my favorites, mostly hidden gems you won't find on the top-rated page.

Nerdy but Funny
Aw, Sad
Too True...
My Peeps
How the First Tiger spent Fall Semester
It's All True
For Sheba
My New Rabbi
My experiences seems to confirm this...
The First Tiger and I ran into these guys once...and lived
More Nerd Humor
Classic. I hope I'm never that guy.
Except for the mayo, this guy may be my new hero
And just for kicks, a parting shot at Fox News

*Editor's Late Addition*

My Network News Table Turning

Well, I moved into my awesome new place, and without a job, friends on the hall, classes, extracurriculars, or regular offline human interaction, not a lot of funny stuff has happened to me lately. So to get content for this blog, I've decided to turn the tables on big news agencies. While CNN and Fox News have programs that consist of attractive women READING BLOGS OUT LOUD on television (that counts as "news" apparently), I've decided to just report on some amusing things I've found while getting my news.

A German gentleman was recently almost killed when he impaled himself on a plunger. Having lost his bath plug, he inserted a plunger to keep the water in the tub. While standing up to lather the vessel for his brilliantly creative problem-solving mind, he slipped on some soap and the wooded plunger handle embedded itself deep into his "backside." His wife, upon hearing the screams, was unable to separate her husband's colon from the device, and called an ambulance. After 8 hours of surgery, he's now resting in his hospital bed and is expected to make a full recovery. When asked for comment, the plunger said, "Hey, I should be mad at you!" (OK, I made that last thing up myself.)

*****

Courtesy of DeluxX, here is a picture of a dog dressed like Darth Vader.

*****

In the "Real News" vs "Fake News" contest, let's compare the top 3 headlines of the NY Times and Fox News as I'm writing this.

Issues covered by the NY Times top headlines: Global Warming, Sports and the Iraq War
(2 important things that affect a lot of people, and an update with high audience interest, all of it timely)

Issues covered by Fox News: 3 teenage sex offenders are on the run, "Mom Pimped Son, 12" and something about the guy who shot President Reagan in 1982.
(Um...)